In surprise announcement that surprised nobody, the WHO last night urged that the word "smoking" be removed from all languages from the 1st March next.
In addition, they want a total ban on the words cigarette, pipe, hookah, tobacco, ashtray, fag [except when referring to homosexuals], butt [see “fag”], ashtray, cigar and inhale.
Research from the University of California suggests that 100% of smokers were aware of those words before indulging in the deadly addiction and that the use of the words was a pernicious ploy on the part of Big Tobacco to force children to buy their products.
Starting from today, all books will have the blacklisted words removed and replaced with "health" and its grammatical variants in all languages. For example "He lit his cigarette and blew a stream of smoke to the ceiling" will become "He lit his health and blew a stream of health to the ceiling". This will remind people that they should be concerned with their health rather than simple pleasures.
The "health substitution" law will also apply to speech, so as and from March customers will be obliged to ask for "20 healths" at their tobacconists [or a packet of health, in the case of pipe smokers].
Similarly, all films and television programmes will have the offensive words bleeped out and residual visual cues will entail an "over 65" rating.
A spokesman from the World Health Organisation said in a press statement that "this was the endgame for Big Tobacco. They have been recruiting our children by the use of these evil words which are nothing short of blatant and subliminal advertising, and this has to stop".
When asked about penalties for the use of the soon-to-be-banned words the spokesman smirked. "We have been saying for years that smoking kills and we mean to make this a literal fact. The use of those words will of course incur the death penalty.
When asked for a comment, the Tobacco Industry replied that they weren't worried. "The WHO has just run out of ideas and is getting desperate.
They're only a shower of unelected fucking cunts anyway."