Now you're just taking the piss.

First you come after my smoking – bullying, nagging and trying to force me to quit. Well you can fuck off on that score as you have just made me more determined than ever to keep going.

Then you start nagging me about my sugar and salt both of which I now use more of in sheer defiance.

Then you moan and whinge about my drink intake, and set your own pathetic levels of what you think constitutes "safe levels".  Let me tell you, your levels constitute an aperitif to a nights drinking.  I would drink that much before I had even reached the bar.

Then you take a dig at my fry-ups.  They are carcinogenic you mewl in that pathetic wheedly tone.  I mustn't have more than a rasher a week, you "advise".  You can stuff that little bit of "advice" right into a pan full of smoking grease. Since that little nugget came out I have doubled my intake of fries and processed meats.

But now you are treading on really dangerous ground.

Now you are moaning about my curry.

You lot must lead a particularly dull monotonous lives.  No colour, joy or even a modicum of pleasure in case it somehow may prove at some point in the future not to be "safe".  Your lives are dictated by laboratory tests and recommended levels.  You daren't enjoy anything just in case it gives you cancer or may lead to an untimely death.  The only pleasure you get in life is nagging others about their pleasures.  I bet you pulled wings off flies when you were a kid?  Either that or you were mercilessly bullied in the playground?

I love my curry.  I love it hot and frequent.  I first discovered the delights of spice back in the sixties and have been upping my game ever since.  I have gone from mild, through spicy to Vindaloo levels that border on radioactive.  If I finish and am not sweating like a stuck pick with snots running out my nose then I switch suppliers for my next order.

So fucking what if "there is more than the recommended calories" in an Indian takeaway?  It really is none of your fucking business.  If I want to have three Vindaloos a day than that is my affair and you can stuff your recommendations right up your collective arse.  Anyway, how do you know how many calories I require?  You don't know me or anything about me.  You don't know my age, weight, height, level of exercise or metabolic rate so how in the blind fuck do you presume to know how much I can eat?

Out of all the substances that you claim are doing me great damage there is only one thing that makes me sick and that is yourselves and your fucking reports that try to suck every vestige of enjoyment out of life.  You try to justify your sad little lives by wrapping us all in bubblewrap and keeping us all "safe".  Even the name "Safefood" is nauseating and another little moneywaster from the EU.

So fuck off and leave my curry alone.  Go and have a pint and a cigarette.  Go and eat something that actually tastes nice.  Forget your "daily allowances" and "recommended levels" as they really are a steaming load of shite.

That's called "enjoying life".

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Spice is the variety of life — 20 Comments

    • They can moan about my fry-ups and whine about my sugar, but going anywhere near my curries and they are on very dangerous ground.

  1. I love curry. I cook curried veg and chicken, sometimes diced beef or lamb. In wet wintery weather curry cleanses the nostrils – and possibly the ears – and warms the insides. I'd say, without scientifically researching the facts, that curried food is also a good antibiotic and chases away some infectious beasties. It tastes good too, which is the main reason I cook it. My other favourite ethnic cuisines are Italian and Chinese. Nuts to the Food Correctorate, I say.

    • I am of the firm belief that curries have great curative powers.  If I get a head-cold, the first thing I do is order a hot one and nine times out of ten it does the trick.  Some of the spices used have well known curative properties.  But these Puritans have a remarkable ability to overlook any positive factors?

  2. " I bet you pulled wings off flies when you were a kid?"

    Of course they did – all for the benefit of the flies of course, so they wouldn't have the danger of being airborne.

  3. I'll have to mention this to Herself (mine) when she makes her special curry turkey and grape salad. Damn, it's good. A meal that you definitely remember.

    • To be honest about the only way I would enjoy turkey is when it's well curried.  Not my favourite brand of poultry.

      I assume the grape is of the fermented variety?

  4. I love that all the things that these Puritans nag us about are all the good things in life, because, like you, Gramps, it just gives me an excuse to do more of them.  In addition to upping my cigarette consumption (natch), I now take sugar in my tea and coffee again (yum! I’ve started enjoying coffee again – why did I ever stop?), I liberally salt all my meals, take care to incorporate a sweet, rich pudding into at least one meal – with lashings of double cream, naturally – and have even started having a generous gin and tonic on a Sunday before lunch (previously I only really bothered with alcohol on very special occasions).  But there’s a problem.  I can’t stand those sweet, fizzy drinks that the “experts” hate so much.  Even the ones with heaps of sugar also seem to have a ton of those revolting artificial sweeteners in as well.  Any tips on how I can incorporate more “sodas” (as our US friends like to call them) into my regime?  Oh, and I’ve given up exercise, too.  I’ve scrubbed all those sweaty spin classes and aerobics lessons and reclaimed my evenings for ordering takeaways and watching rubbish on the TV.  Life really has taken a turn for the better, thanks to all those hectoring “experts!” 

    • It's a bit of a problem about the fizzy drinks.  I'm not that partial to them either so I feel I am somehow letting the side down by not buying them.  All I can suggest is to increase the intake of tea/coffee or whatever else you can heap sugar into.

      We really must be thankful to these Puritans.  Each day they introduce me to some new delight which they consider "unheathy".

  5. only problem i shit rings around me after a curry. however changing the subject you are number 3 on my daily viewing no1 the age newspaper .no2  irish indo no.3 your good self long may you continue p.s. i think i love you!!! regards eamonn melbourne

  6. I absolutely always agree with you relating to interference by the nanny state or quangos set up to tell us what to do and what to think and this time is absolutely no different.  That said, safe food have a point in this instance. Their message was delivered badly but their research was interesting. The outcome is basically that the average Chinese or Indian take away is catering for the Irish and English taste buds but to facilitate this they are adding a lot of unnecessary crap. None of which are actually authentic to the curry. I really enjoy spicy food but I enjoy authentic spices. Not dried and preserved stuff that has been sitting in a container for a few years. If done correctly, the message of safe food would have been to highlight the lack of authenticity of the crap that take away sell.  Like it or not, A lot of the food we eat is processed, dried, preserved or genetically modified.  My wife has been making a concerted effort over the past few years to stay away from processed foods, sauces and kits.  This move has resulted in a change that I won’t go into in a blog comment other than to say it’s been brilliant. I draw the line at laws being created to save us from ourselves but with the amount of crap landing on our supermarket shelves, I think safe food have a useful role to play. That is: Here’s a potential risk but you’re big and ugly enough to take the risk if you want to.

    • They mention al right that the food that the Indian takeaways make is different from the original recipes and that is fair enough.  We do have different taste buds and we are more acclimatised to our own diets so it is perfectly acceptable that the shops customise their recipes.  That is however a cultural thing and not a health issue.  

      I agree that processes food is more often than not full of crap.  Most so called meals that you'll get from a supermarket are produced with only two things in mind – cheapness of production and shelf life.  So most pre prepared meals are made with the cheapest ingredients and are full of preservatives.  But if people like them [and obviously they do as they wouldn't make 'em otherwise] then that's fine.  I do 99% of the cooking here, and nearly all the ingredients I use are locally produced.  Only a few herbs and spices would come from the supermarket.  It is amazing the difference using fresh ingredients makes.

      Having said that, people should be allowed buy [and eat] whatever the hell they like.  There is not a single aspect of life that doesn't have its dangers, for the simple reason that life itself is ultimately fatal.  What I object to is this modern obsession with health.  Everything we do must be "healthy" and "safe" without a single mention of happiness or enjoyment.

      My biggest crib about the article was that they never listed the establishments that give the biggest portions!

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