Traveling London by train seems to be great fun these days.

First of all, we hear the police are looking for a man.

Why, you might ask?

Well, a man was spotted on the London Underground using his mobile phone.

Now I would have thought this was a fairly commonplace occurrence [though I doubt reception would be very good?].  He was standing, tapping the screen, and a woman thought he might be using the built in camera.

Oh dear!  How dare he.

But she then thought that he might be "touching himself inappropriately".

I would love to know this woman's definition of "inappropriately".  What is appropriate touching and what is inappropriate touching?  Was the bloke having a full blown wank, or was he just scratching his balls because they were itchy?  Whichever it is, the police are searching high an low for this chap and have released a photograph [and who took that photograph?] showing a man with a phone in one hand and a magazine and wallet in the other with a coat slung over his arm.  Call me Inspector Clouseau if you will, but I would have thought it extremely difficult to whack oneself off with both hands full?  Maybe he was touching the magazine inappropriately?

I would like to see a photograph of the woman who made the complaint.  Is she gorgeous enough to make a bloke beat his sausage in public?  Somehow I doubt that and would contend that she is probably some plug ugly feminist who has secret fantasies of masturbation in public places and the whole episode was just wishful thinking.

Meanwhile, while we have this massive manhunt going on beneath the foundations of London, there is further excitement up above on the surface.

In this case they got their man, and rightly so.  He really deserves to be given a life sentence or at the very least thrown in front of a train.

He was caught red handed "abstracting electricity".

Many centuries ago I studied electronics and electricity in college.  We spent a lot of time in the labs doing lots of interesting things with electricity, but I don't ever remember being asked to "abstract" it.  Maybe I just skipped that day and went to the pub?

Anyhows, this chap was caught charging his iPhone on a train.  Well Holy God but isn't he the grand criminal?  Sucking all those milliamps out of the socket, the thieving little bastard?  I'll bet that enormous drain on the train's power caused it to slow to a crawl?

Shortly after 3.30pm, a 45-year-old man from Islington was arrested on suspicion of abstracting electricity, for which he was de-arrested shortly after. “He was further arrested for unacceptable behaviour and has been reported for this offence.

OK so, they arrested him and then de-arrested him [another new one on me] but then they arrested him again presumably because he objected to being arrested before he was de-arrested?  They say the second arrest was for unacceptable behaviour.  Here we go again!  What the fuck is "unacceptable behaviour"?  Is it the same as "inappropriate behaviour"?  Maybe it's the same bloke from the Underground?  Both cases solved?

All I can say is that I'm glad I don't live or travel in London.  It seems to be a hotbed, nay an inferno of criminal activity both above and below ground.

All we have in Ireland are common or garden dull murders.