Can anyone tell me what the fascination is with cookery programmes on television?

It's one of those little facets of modern society that has me stumped.

We have all heard the term "celebrity chef" but where are the "celebrity bin men" or the "celebrity bus drivers"?  There is nothing artful in cooking a meal.  I have been doing it for years, ever since Herself tried to poison me [all I said was that some girl on the television had nice tits].

Cooking is easy.  All that is required is to bung the ingredients into a pan, pot, grill or whatever in the right proportions and that's it.  I am famous for my stews, savoury minces, curries, roasts and barbecues but I don't claim any credit – it's just a question of getting the mix and the heat right.  That's all.  No big fucking deal.

As far as I can see, the only real qualification for being a "celebrity chef" is to be a right little prick.  We have the likes of Gordon Ramsay [a bullying irritating little cunt], Jamie Oliver [an egotistical irritating little cunt] and Ainsley Harriott [yes – you know what kind of irritating little cunt he is] who ponce around on our screens but why?  All they do is what the rest of us do but they add that indefinable ingredient – the ability to be an annoying prick while they do it.

Let's look at this rationally.  Cooking basically consists of three factors – taste, smell and presentation.  Get the taste right and the smell will follow.  Presentation is optional depending on whether you're entertaining or just slobbing out on the couch.  But cookery programmes lack the two most vital aspects – taste and smell.  You can see them throwing ingredients around but how to you know that mashed potato isn't ice cream?  Maybe that pepper is iron filings?  You only have their word for it.  I know they frequently give a sample of their stuff to some unfortunate presenter or someone, but how to we know that person doesn't rush off camera and puke their ring up at the first opportunity?  They smile dutifully at the time but who knows what's going on in their head [or their stomach]?

Watching a cookery programme on television is worse than watching snooker on a black and white television, or listening to a mime performance on radio.  It's fucking useless, yet there seems to be an undying fascination.

Why can't we have celebrity watch repairers?

Or celebrity lavatory attendants?

I think Jamie Oliver would make an excellent lavatory attendant?

He can lick the bowls clean.


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Out of the frying pan — 22 Comments

  1. "Fascination with cookery programmes on tv?"  hmmmmm…. one word for me ……….Nigella ……………  sigh

  2. Here I enjoy the River cottage programs and the chaps on there do as you do basically chuck it all in and get the heat right…

    • I have seen that programme listed but have never watched it.  I'll start watching all these programmes when they invent a way of transporting the finished goods into my home.

  3. The Memsahib loves her cookery programmes … I found this little gem for her and she was a bit terse for the remainder of the evening.

  4. Jonathon Ross brilliantly joked one night that Gordon Ramsay's new book would be called, "Take Two Eggs & Fuck Off!"

  5. I have to admit that years back I did rather enjoy watching the Keith Floyd cooking programs. He was a most entertaining bon viveur who basically got ratted on screen and did a bit of cooking. The cooking bit was peripheral to the main thrust of the program, which was really about watching Mr Floyd get pissed and talking about food, which he did with some passion.

  6. You declare: "Cooking basically consists of three factors – taste, smell and presentation."

    I'll add a fourth factor – the ability to open a can bought off a supermarket shelf and warm up the contents. 

    • I’ll add a fifth for the perfect Chinese stir-fry:



      1. One Chinese takeaway menu

      2. One telephone

      3. Approximately £12 in cash

      4. The ability to read



      1. Pick up telephone

      2. Order meal

      3. Leave to cook for 30 minutes

      4. Answer doorbell

      5. Give money to delivery man

      6. Dish out meal, season as required with extra soy sauce, and enjoy


      Easy, this cooking malarkey, isn’t it?

  7. This is a strange one, but apparently there's a pattern of celebrity chefs appearing in the lead up to the decline of empires.

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