Government statement.  3rd May 2009.

People of Ireland.

As you are all by now aware, Ireland has its first confirmed case of Swine Flu.

There is no need to panic as we have taken all the necessary precautions to contain this pandemic and all of you will be getting a nice coloured leaflet explaining everything within the next month or two.

We have introduced a series of new emergency laws in this time of crisis and the legislation will come into effect immediately.

First and foremost, we must preserve our strength, and to this end all negative talk concerning our government is to be outlawed immediately.  We must concentrate our energies on beating this pandemic.

In order to provide vaccinations to every member of the public, VAT has been increased to 50% and all Social Welfare payments are to be subject to a new 100% levy.  In order to conserve stocks of vaccine, it will only be available to people between the ages of 18 and 50, unless you are working in a priority sector, such as construction or banking.

As we all know, this fatal disease is spread by human contact, and to this end, we are banning the use of all public transport, and cars will be restricted to one driver only.  Parking fees in our major cities will be increased slightly to €50 per hour in order to cover the cost of the additional traffic police.

As you know, we have introduced very sensible and necessary steps to bring Ireland out of this so called recession and this work must continue.  To this end, all sick leave has been made illegal, as our national output must continue to rise.

To cope with those who are deemed to be ‘seriously ill’ [as defined in the new Public Health Act 2009, Para 5, Subsection 39x] our Minister for Health has increased emergency cover to two hours per day in our hospital.

To prevent transmission of the Swine Flu, and in an attempt to limit the pandemic, all border crossings will be closed forthwith, particularly the road to Newry.

Finally, in order to preserve the continuation of our government and to permit the uninterrupted good work we are doing, all elected officials have been temporarily been relocated to the Bahamas for the period of the outbreak which is expected to last no longer than six months.

Good luck

Your Government


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National Emergency Declared — 9 Comments

  1. After years of reading Government statements, this is perfectly plausible…could be from the hand of Mr. Taoiseach Himself.

    Am I laughing or crying?

  2. The ambulance service in Punchestown yesterday told me that I had the swine flu, so I coughed over the PA system and infected everyone.

    40,000 people in one go.


  3. The more I learn about Fianna Fail the more I think our demoncrat party here takes its cues from them. The only difference I see would be that the demoncrats would give all the Tamiflu to union bosses and donors to their political campaigns first and then sell it, at a reduced price to welfare recipients. Everyone else would have it available at 3000 times the maximum retail price because they’ll tell us there isn’t enough to go around.
    They will do all this because 6 kids from a private school in Ct. got the sniffles after returning from spring break in Tijuana.

  4. At first I thought it was all bad news, then I saw it end on a positive note that the government was relocating.

    We recently had a school group return from Mexico. Fortunately after a through medical screening they only found 6 varieties of STDs, 12 cases of Diarrhea, and two kids working a mules who had swallowed balloons with a total of 2 KG of cocaine. In other words business as usual.

  5. Ì accidentally left out a line. My apologies.

    Futhermore to provide stability and to prevent congregating at polling stations, all elections for the forseeable future have been cancelled. This legistlation will remain in force for the next twenty years, and will be renewed occasionally.

  6. Brianf,

    Not too sure about your calculations re Tamiflu and the Democrats. The one who’s minting it with that is Donald Rumsfeld. He’s the one who has stock in it.

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