Government statement. 3rd May 2009.
People of Ireland.
As you are all by now aware, Ireland has its first confirmed case of Swine Flu.
There is no need to panic as we have taken all the necessary precautions to contain this pandemic and all of you will be getting a nice coloured leaflet explaining everything within the next month or two.
We have introduced a series of new emergency laws in this time of crisis and the legislation will come into effect immediately.
First and foremost, we must preserve our strength, and to this end all negative talk concerning our government is to be outlawed immediately. We must concentrate our energies on beating this pandemic.
In order to provide vaccinations to every member of the public, VAT has been increased to 50% and all Social Welfare payments are to be subject to a new 100% levy. In order to conserve stocks of vaccine, it will only be available to people between the ages of 18 and 50, unless you are working in a priority sector, such as construction or banking.
As we all know, this fatal disease is spread by human contact, and to this end, we are banning the use of all public transport, and cars will be restricted to one driver only. Parking fees in our major cities will be increased slightly to €50 per hour in order to cover the cost of the additional traffic police.
As you know, we have introduced very sensible and necessary steps to bring Ireland out of this so called recession and this work must continue. To this end, all sick leave has been made illegal, as our national output must continue to rise.
To cope with those who are deemed to be ‘seriously ill’ [as defined in the new Public Health Act 2009, Para 5, Subsection 39x] our Minister for Health has increased emergency cover to two hours per day in our hospital.
To prevent transmission of the Swine Flu, and in an attempt to limit the pandemic, all border crossings will be closed forthwith, particularly the road to Newry.
Finally, in order to preserve the continuation of our government and to permit the uninterrupted good work we are doing, all elected officials have been temporarily been relocated to the Bahamas for the period of the outbreak which is expected to last no longer than six months.