The first one of the year

Herself ran out of cigarettes yesterday.

This p*ssed me off, because I don’t like her smoking cigarettes.  I’m trying to persuade her to switch to the pipe.

Anyway she insisted I go down and buy her some.  She can be quite persuasive, especially with that twelve inch kitchen knife in her hand.

So, despite the fact that I was nice and cosy and warm at last, I hauled myself out to the car.  It was sleeting heavily, and the car was covered in half an inch of slush.  This meant I couldn’t see where I was going.  But that didn’t matter, as I knew the way anyway.

So I drove down.  I got colder by the second and my feet were wet.  I was not a happy bunny.

It was nice and warm in the tobacconist, so I stayed for a chat.  There was a customer there who joined in.  It transpired he was a tourist, though I should have guessed that from the strange accent.

He was from Iceland, and had come very early in the season, because he wanted to see the country when there were no crowds around.  He said he was hiking because he wanted to see the real Ireland. He said he wanted to absorb the landscape in all it’s pristine beauty.  Or words to that effect.

But then he made a big mistake.  He asked for directions to Kilkenny.  That’s like asking a neurological surgeon to describe the central nervous system. 

I ask him if he wanted a lift, and he gladly accepted.

He is now absorbing the Irish landscape. 

Or rather, the Irish landscape is absorbing him.

At the bottom of the landfill.

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Comments

The first one of the year — 21 Comments

  1. I have long wanted to visit Ireland, but now I’m too scared to come, in case I bump into you and wind up in a landfill! Perhaps I’ll come once my kids have flown the nest and my demise won’t cause them as much hardship. Can’t have the poor lads growing up without a domestic slave, now, can we?

  2. You should come with a Government Health warning! Or, at least Wicklow CoCo should have one of those ‘so many people died on the roads in the last 4 years’ signs dedicated to you. ’56 Tourists were eradicated by Grandad in Wicklow in the last 4 years’.

  3. That gives a whole new dimension to the standard response, “Well, sir, if I was going there, I wouldn’t start from here”.

    Him being a walker, you could have pointed a straight line south-west.

    Icelandics are very low in points value on account of being so rare and therefore a protected species. In fact, they would score no more than a Spaniard in Ballybrack on a summer’s evening

  4. Karyn – You are more than welcome. You will be quite safe provided a) you bring a decent map and don’t ask directions all the time and b) that you drink Guinness properly.

    Jack – 56 in 4 years? You underestimate me!

    Brianf – Thanks! You can have your flag back when you go home. I have to keep track of your whereabouts…..

    Ian – Icelandics score very highly on account of their scarcity. There are no protected nationalities. Spaniards in Ballybrack are the only ones where you have to score by the dozen to get a point.

    Neighbour – They closed that landfill, but they haven’t yet found the new one. Are you casting nasturtiums at our local chipper?

    Annie – Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of I.T.S.A. [Irish Tourist Shooting Association] ?? And I don’t kill. I cull. There’s a difference [except to the tourist].

  5. I hope to visit Ireland one day. Should I run into someone at a tobacconist, I will remember not to ask for directions or accept rides. I don’t think I wish to visit the landfill while I am there.

    Your posts always make me smile.

  6. Wickles – Just take the advice I gave Karyn above. Anyway, it’s a very nice landfill. It’s in a very scenic area [as are all our landfills]. You’d love it.

  7. Grandad,

    You might have also have pointed out that we not only do excellent landfills in scenic areas, but we also do a good line in fly tipping and graffiti and we have some very fine examples of building bungalows so as to intrude as much into the landscape as possible.

  8. Oh dear, I’ll have to rethink my desire to visit! The map thing I can do, but I don’t drink Guinness properly. I don’t drink it at all. The closest thing I come to any variety of drink that falls under the “beer” umbrella is cider. Oh dear. I think I just became persona non grata :-(

  9. Feckless – I don’t know if he smoked. The tobacconist sells lots of other things as well.

    Karyn – If you don’t drink Guinness, you are pushing things a bit, but you will be tolerated. When I say drink Guinness properly, I mean you have to follow the rules

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