P.M.S. I Love You

Laptop: You think you’re fucking great.

Me: What?

Laptop: You and your fucking award. You think you’re the dog’s bollix.

Me: What are you on about?

Laptop: It’s only a cheap lump of metal. You’re swanning around like it’s a Nobel Prize. Ya big headded git. Fucking spider me arse!

Me: You’re just jealous because you didn’t get one.

Laptop: Jayzus! You wouldn’t have gotten it without me.

Me: How do you work that out?

Laptop: You honestly think you would win with that turgid crap that you type? No way, baby! The only reason you won is because I take your maudlin bullshit, spruce it up a bit and add a bit of humour. Don’t flatter yourself.

Me: Good. You can help me with the book then.

Laptop: Book? What book?

Me: The one I’m going to write.

Laptop: Oh fuck! Don’t make me laugh! You, write a book? So what is the title of this great work then?

Me: I was thinking of “PMS, I love you”.

Laptop: What the fuck……? What kind of book is this going to be?

Me: A sort of cross between Cecelia Ahern and Kerry Katona?

Laptop: Oh Christ!

Me: It’ll be great. everyone will want to read it.

Laptop: Yeah! And everyone will want barbed wire shoved up their hole!

Me: Do you have to be so coarse all the time?

Laptop: Me? Coarse? You’ll have to think a lot coarser than that if you want to write like Kerry Katona. And you are going to have to dumb things down a hell of a lot. If that’s possible.

Me: Are you saying I’m dumb?

Laptop: Listen, Kid. You are dumb. But compared to those two, you are fucking Einstein.

Me: So what are we going to do about it?

Laptop: You just fuck off to bed. I’ll have the first ten chapters ready when you get up tomorrow.

Me: Thanks.

Laptop: Don’t mention it, Old Sport.


P.M.S. I Love You — 26 Comments

  1. Sounds like your laptop has developed a nasty crack habit… I’d watch that if I were you. Have you noticed any white powder accumulating around the A: drive?

  2. There is a certain sexual tension evoked by the title. But the uncomfortable undertone is one of conflict, rather than desire.

    perhaps. “P.S. Fuck Off” would be more to the point?

    I’m sure Laptop would agree.

  3. No, K8. Though one of the USB ports is getting a little corroded on the inside. Could that be it?

    Neighbour – I’m sure Laptop would. But I can’t see them announcing that title at the Booker Prize though?

  4. Paul – Provisionally, Spring 2009, but it could be next year. Who knows?

    And you get that flag for having a blog about a foreign football crowd [and for working for an American corporation!].

  5. Grannymar – If you think I am going to spend a chunk of my life writing about that little dog-turd, you have another think coming.

    Cathy – This one? I bought it off a bloke in a pub. Nice chap, though the horns were a bit disconcerting.

  6. Hearing the title being read out at the Booker prize would be the very reason to call it that.
    The guys from Southpark were pissed off not to have won the Oscar for best song (“Blame Canada” (i.e. that’s the name of the song. It’s not Canada’s fault they didn’t win))
    For their next movie, “Team America”, they wanted to get revenge on The Academy and so they hoped that the song from that would be nominated. It was called “America Fuck Yeah”.
    It wasn’t nominated 🙁

  7. What’s in a name? A very catchy title that’s what! If I did not know the author of a book and saw that title it would definitely spark my interest – although your name is widely known judging by all the little flags…have fun!

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