I have been hearing a lot lately about Opinion Poles.

Everyone seems to think they are great.

If the party is looking good in the poles, then “Poles are the voice of the people”. If the party is looking bad then “we don’t pay much attention to the poles. It’s the election that counts”.

In its eternal quest for truth, Head Rambles has decided to do its own pole.

So I headed off. The first pole I came across was a telegraph pole. It was plastered in election posters. Someone had shot Bertie Ahern through both eyes with a .22 [good shooting, by the way!]. It gave him a rather blank and vacant look. Very realistic, I thought.

I headed on, passing many poles and they were all plastered in posters. On one of them, Michael McDowell was hanging upside down. He looks much better that way. You should try it permanently, Michael. Your ratings might go up.

Eventually I ended up in a shopping centre with one of those big department stores.

This is where I found my Pole at last.

“Hello” says I. “Are you a Pole?”

“Cześć” says he.

“OK. You are a Pole, and I want your Opinion”

“Nie rozumiem”

“Who do you think is going to win the election?”

“Kocham Cię” he replied.

This wasn’t getting on as well as I’d hoped.

“Which coalition would you prefer to see in power?”

“Jestem w ciąży. Wyjdziesz za mnie?”

“Who would you like to see as Taoiseach?”

His face lit up. He ran off and came back with a tee shirt with “FCUK” written across the front.

“Which is the best party” says I.

He ran off again, and came back with twenty Silk Cut.

“And which party will support them in government?”

Once again, he disappeared and came back with a bra [I think it was a 40DD]. He thought he was getting the hang of this.

“And the opposition?” says I “Do you think the Greens will be in government or in opposition?”

He looked puzzled for a moment, but then did his vanishing trick again. He came back with a cabbage and a load of green beans.

My carrier bag was getting fairly full at this stage so I thanked him.

“Nie mogę bez Ciebie żyć” he replied.

So there you have it. The official Head Ramble Opinion Pole.

The result?

We are going to have a FCUK as Taoiseach, with a party of fags in power. They will be supported by a bra.

And the Opposition will be a load of vegetables.


P.S. If anyone knows Polish, I’d love to know what he was saying.  He seemed to think I was a grand bloke anyway.

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And the winner is … — 30 Comments

  1. Herself is Polish. I could ask her to translate for you but she’s not talking to me at the moment so it may take a while!

  2. “Cześćâ€? – Hello; “Nie rozumiemâ€? – I don’t understand; “Kocham Cięâ€? – I love you; “Jestem w ciąży. Wyjdziesz za mnie?â€? – I’m pregnant, will you marry me?; “Nie mogę bez Ciebie żyćâ€? – I can’t live without you.
    Joke for you if you haven’t heard that one yet:
    – What’s the difference between Pole and E.T.?
    – E.T. speaks english, has a bike and wants to go home…

  3. Oh bloody hell!! Thanks Frob. I’d better not go back to that shop again?

    Robert – that sounds rude. You have my sympathies.

  4. Apparently. [I refrained from making that comment myself!] But it had nothing to do with me. I have never made a man pregnant in my life. Honestly. I promise. It was someone else. I never even saw him before.

  5. Sorry about that. I always go for the obvious. It’s the brain-numbing effects of sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day pretending to work…

  6. So that would explain why there’s so many of them here. Cavan is a transport hub, despite being inland and having no waterway.

  7. I have written three snarkey comments and kept getting an error message.@ frob you beat me it took me a half hour to Google the translation. Grandad don’t pick on the Poles,They are just like us,unless they are in Poleslitics

  8. Oy! I’m not picking on the Poles. I like them. They are more than welcome to Ireland as far as I am concerned.

    There are a couple of ethnic groups that have come here and are causing nothing but trouble [and I’m not going to name names] – murder, drugs, car smashes and the like – but the Poles are lovely people, in my experience.

  9. That’s great, Robert. But I think I’ll steer clear of that shop. It’s a bit tricky having a friendship with a laptop between us!!

  10. I will name names. Unlike the Poles, who I agree are excellent workers and all round decent blokes – I live next door to a crew of them – the Romanians have been nothing but trouble. Around Cavan, I have heard few positive things from even the most tolerant people about Romanians.

  11. I was going to say the Poles were excellent workers, but it makes them sound like ants!

    Have you noticed that when they are announcing the latest murder on the news, that either the victim or the suspect have unpronounceable names???

  12. I’m probably going to get in trouble for saying this but the Lithuanians seem to be quite adept at killing each other for some reason.

  13. Robert, I’m 100% with you. Fuck that PC stuff for a sec and let’s be honest here. Some of the Lithuanians must have trained themselves in knife-fighting ‘cos every week Edgaras Jankauskas has knifed Vladmir Posanokus and they’re both before the Special Criminal Court.

    A while back, in Monaghan, one Lithuanian knifed another, and seeing his victim was still alive, drove him to hospital. Wasn’t that considerate?

  14. One more joke for you to prove that Poles have sense of humour:

    – Why do Polish names end in “ski”?
    – Because we can’t spell toboggan…


  15. @Dario – There is nothing like a considerate murderer. I know. I am one.

    @Frob – I always thought it was because you liked yoghurt?


  16. Oddly enough even though herself is Polish her surname doesn’t end in ski (or ska). I have her convinced that it is because somewhere along the line there is some germanic blood there.

    Of course the mere mention of that brings the daggers out but as she is from the Gdansk area I don’t think it is outside the realms of possibility since that area was once part of Prussia.

  17. A commentator is at the olympic games, and chooses a random dude holding a big stick to interview.

    “Are you a polevaulter?”

    “No, I’m German, and how did you know my name is Walter?”

  18. Grandad,

    Free market economics could lead to the establishment of a letter exchange. In return for some much needed consonants we could deal with our vowel surplus – I have an email in from a woman called Eadaoin who could probably trade a couple of letters to build up a supply of j, k, q, w, x, y and z.

    I did wonder about about v and asked a school teacher about O Cuiv and he told me that the v embargo had been lifted.

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