I have been hearing a lot lately about Opinion Poles.
Everyone seems to think they are great.
If the party is looking good in the poles, then “Poles are the voice of the people”. If the party is looking bad then “we don’t pay much attention to the poles. It’s the election that counts”.
In its eternal quest for truth, Head Rambles has decided to do its own pole.
So I headed off. The first pole I came across was a telegraph pole. It was plastered in election posters. Someone had shot Bertie Ahern through both eyes with a .22 [good shooting, by the way!]. It gave him a rather blank and vacant look. Very realistic, I thought.
I headed on, passing many poles and they were all plastered in posters. On one of them, Michael McDowell was hanging upside down. He looks much better that way. You should try it permanently, Michael. Your ratings might go up.
Eventually I ended up in a shopping centre with one of those big department stores.
This is where I found my Pole at last.
“Hello” says I. “Are you a Pole?”
“Cześć” says he.
“OK. You are a Pole, and I want your Opinion”
“Who do you think is going to win the election?”
“Kocham Cię” he replied.
This wasn’t getting on as well as I’d hoped.
“Which coalition would you prefer to see in power?”
“Jestem w ciąży. Wyjdziesz za mnie?”
“Who would you like to see as Taoiseach?”
His face lit up. He ran off and came back with a tee shirt with “FCUK” written across the front.
“Which is the best party” says I.
He ran off again, and came back with twenty Silk Cut.
“And which party will support them in government?”
Once again, he disappeared and came back with a bra [I think it was a 40DD]. He thought he was getting the hang of this.
“And the opposition?” says I “Do you think the Greens will be in government or in opposition?”
He looked puzzled for a moment, but then did his vanishing trick again. He came back with a cabbage and a load of green beans.
My carrier bag was getting fairly full at this stage so I thanked him.
“Nie mogę bez Ciebie żyć” he replied.
So there you have it. The official Head Ramble Opinion Pole.
We are going to have a FCUK as Taoiseach, with a party of fags in power. They will be supported by a bra.
And the Opposition will be a load of vegetables.
P.S. If anyone knows Polish, I’d love to know what he was saying. He seemed to think I was a grand bloke anyway.