Murder and Mayhem — 35 Comments

  1. Is herself packing her bags by any chance?

    Apparently crushed glass is foolproof, although not sure how it works.

  2. I’ve been watching Monty Python, so I know how to disarm somebody wielding a banana.

    Have you tried maledictions or voodoo? I have Arthur C. Clarke’s ‘World of Strange Powers’ book here, he reckons this has an 80% success rate. He knows his onions.

  3. “I would never target anyone in their middle or later years” T

    Phew! that is a relief, I am safe for another while.

    What about composting? I heard of someone who put a whole deer (roadkill) in his compost bin, a very large one, and one year later he only found one bone. The heap had not been disturbed by animals so you can rule that out.

  4. @K8 – Voodoo has distinct possibilities. OK. I’m trying an experiment. I have a doll here and I’ve called it ‘K8’. I am sticking a needle in it right……… now! [feel anything?]

    @Grannymar – Composting is good, but how do you persuade someone to lie on a compost heap for a year? They might get suspicious?

  5. well Grandad have you thought of misdirection. say leaving his car in downtown Belfast with the motor running and the doors open after having slipped his body into Lough Neagh. That way even if the body is discovered they go looking for some joy riding punk instead of the kindly old grandad from down south?

  6. Disarming someone wielding the banana, bah! How does one kill with one? Slice it up in cereal? Do you have any idea how many times it took practicing on my partner before I got it right?

  7. @Sean – an old favourite of mine. They never found Lord Lucan. Did they?

    @Cheryl – You’ve just given me another idea – send someone a crate of bananas with a Brown Banana Spider in it!!

  8. Hmm, is the Irish word “daft”? Your government. The ones you reverence so frequently in your posts.

  9. Our government is not daft. Devious? Corrupt? Self-serving? Power-mad? Not daft.

  10. Might I suggest precipitous? Blowing up a perfectly good literary work simply because himself is feeling threatened by a little old lady from Chicago. We have a few like you here, too. Oh yes, I saw the post where you claimed Boston as Ireland’s third largest city.

  11. Do you people know how much banana’s cost since the cyclone in North Queensland last Christmas. We’ve only just got back to normal $12 a kilo until recently. Eat the banana (or at least let K8 make a cake out of it) and come up with something creative for the peel. I believe it’s toxic if you smoke it!

  12. I have never smoked banana peel. Tobacco, tea leaves and other ‘exotic’ herbs, yes. I must try it sometime.

  13. Speaking of Boston, which has more ap-peel to me … than smoking fruit rind … to say nothing of how on earth do you think that someone would not notice the smell which makes getting away with murder a tad difficult …

  14. K8 mentioned that the BBC may want me. That’s not another Irish federal agency?

  15. K8 mentioned that the BBC may want me

    Did she?

    No. They are a British federal agency.

  16. Well, no, not in so many words. Just wanted to see if you were still there 😉

  17. No. Actually, I’ve gone out. Some politicains have just been spotted canvassing so I’ve heading off with my trusty Purdey .577 double rifle.

  18. When you have a chance, while you’re cleaning your gun or whatever, what do you think about an adaptation of the re-assembled bits and pieces of my book into a BBC show like “Waiting for Godâ€? or “One Foot In The Graveâ€?? A little murder might be just what’s needed.

  19. Ah, the Purdy .577 Nitro Express! A fine piece of work that rifle. That 600 grain projectile hits like a boy-racer on a brick wall. I personally prefer the Holland and Holland 4 bore double rifles. They throw a 1000 grain piece of lead at almost 2000fps. That Cape Buffalo wouldn’t have a chance against either one of them.

  20. Brian, where in the States do they have Cape Buffalo? Or are you a transplant?

  21. Grandad,

    I buried someone called Hagedorn once, but they were dead already, it would have been murder if they hadn’t been dead.

    I often think a clerical collar would be a good cover for muder and mayhem, those smiling young men just out of Templemore Garda college always wave me through their checkpoints.


    PS Someone has got a supply of stickers made to look like big brown envelopes and affixed them to the large FF signs at junctions on the National route near Belville. I noticed one of these partly obscuring the handsome visage of minister Roche. I trust this was nothing to do with you!

  22. Can you disarm your spam filter !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am very worried for Herself but if the need should arise apparently crushed glass does the job.

  23. There aren’t any Cape Buffalo around here. Now, you see just how effective those rifles are!

  24. Grandad, I must say that you have a most incurious lot of commentors.

    Why is that not one wondered why I chose you over TwentyMajor? After all, with his two-book deal, maybe he could have gotten Hodder Headline to look at snapping up the foreign rights to my book. But no one asked.

    And no one wanted to know what Grandad’s take was on the voluptuous heroine of the book. (You can’t kid me; I know you took a peek at the book trailer on YouTube.)

    I’m really disappointed that no one asked if you were going to audition for the Tom Ballardish part in a BBC version of the book.

    Most incurious.

  25. I’d call you paranoid only I’ve admitted taht the only reason I’m going to UCD is so I can get into the UCD research centre for Infectious Diseases, steal some smallpox, and infect the Dail.

    That’ll teach them to be politicians, the conniving bastards.

  26. And how am I the most popular outgoing link when I got the grand total of two fucking comments, one from that spanner whose name I couldn’t be arsed using, and Brian?

  27. I, however, because of the time difference, am wide awake. Ready to take all those questions that can only be asked in the nighttime over there. The kind you whisper to the missus just before falling asleep, like “you smooshed all the bananas for baking, right?”

  28. @Flirty – Much as i would love to disarm my spam filter, take a look at the bottom of the page!! I think they distrust your name.

    @Cheryl – not sleeping. I was out hunting politicians. Didn’t get any, but I got two North Koreans, which puts my score through the roof. They’re rare.

    @Ian – you’re a star. I never thought of that. Contact me. I might have a permanent position for a hitman.

  29. Hey Grandad

    Have you thought of something basic simple and clean, like drowning them in the tub?

    True having to look at some of your victims naked would give you the horrible frights but if you concentrated on the beautiful it could be okay.

    just think no fingerprints, DNA all washed away, neat and tidy plus keeps all the mess contained in one water tight spot. Especially if you use their tub. You could maybe even just chuck the toaster in with them lol no strain no pain

    The key to using a banana is to use it whole in the peal you use it to block off their air and muffle their screams and then depending on your level of psychopathy a nice light snack full of potasium.

  30. Nah! Baths are wet and messy. Unless they are full of sulphuric acid. But even then you have to leave ’em for days and you end up with a revolting greasy gunk in the bath.

    The acid plays havoc with the drains too.

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