Weird things have been happening here.

I have been asked by the CIA and the FBI, and by Sergeant Murphy in the village to keep quiet about it. And I always do what Sergeant Murphy says.

The fact is, someone has been sending me explosive files.

Five times, my laptop blew up because someone sent me a PDF file.

They eliminated George W, Bertie and Harney [not permanently, unfortunately] and eventually discovered that the perpetrator [perp, to you Americans] is a woman in Illinois.

It transpires that she is an author and has written a book about Senior Citizens who take to murder with a relish [or in one case, a banana]. She was trying to send me a few chapters for review, and that’s what kept exploding.

I don’t know whether she thinks I’m a writer or something, but apparently she is doing a Virtual Book Tour [is there anything that isn’t Virtual these days?] and wanted to include me on her tour. Either that or I am one of the victims in her novel and she is trying to bump me off in a novel [sorry] way.

She finally got a couple of chapters through to me and it is a novel [sorry again] idea. The residents of a Senior Citizens Drop-In Centre decide to liven up their day by killing people they don’t like. This appeals to my darker side in a big way.

She actually sent me a copy of the book, but the Bomb Squad were suspicious and blew it up in a controlled explosion.

The book, by the way is called “PARK RIDGE A Senior Center Murder

There are advantages to being a Senior Citizen. It is common knowledge that we are invisible [ever try ordering a pint in a crowded pub?]. Also the police tend to discount older people for crimes like that. And of course there is the ultimate advantage – an 80 year old convicted for 30 years has an automatic extension to their lifespan to 110.

The idea of ‘offing’ people who annoy me has crossed my mind a few times. But one has to be inventive. Whacking someone over the head with a billiard cue is effective, but crude. I like the idea of killing someone with a banana. That shows initiative.

There was one aspect of the book that I found a bit disconcerting though. I applaud the use of seniors as the perpetrators, but why bump off old people? Surely the victims should be you young people of the day. They are the ones causing the problems! I would never target anyone in their middle or later years – they have made it that far, and deserve to live [George W, Bertie and Harney excepted, of course].

So what is your excuse, Cheryl Hagedorn? Why are you killing old folk? What have you got against us? My excuse is insanity, which I shall be pleading in my forthcoming trial. What’s yours?

I saw a programme recently on “How to commit the perfect murder”. It was very interesting. Herself got very nervous as I took notes.

Apparently one of the best ways to do it is to poison someone with a previously unknown poison. A classic example is the former spy Litvinenko who was poisoned with Polonium-210. No-one had used this before, so they didn’t recognise the symptoms.

My own theory is that there are two ways to commit the perfect murder. One is to make it look like an accident [so they don’t suspect anything] and the other is to dispose of the body in such a way as it will never be found. At the bottom of the Irish Sea for example.

I have conducted a few experiments in the past. The old ‘pin-hole in the brake pipe’ trick works well, but is a bit unreliable. I have tried naturally occurring poisons, such as belladonna but I was nearly caught on that one.

My most successful to date was a bloke who was a crashing bore. He reckoned he was going to found a great financial empire. He used to irritate the hell out of me. He got his wish. He is now part of the foundations of an office block in Sandyford.

Has anyone out there got any good ideas I might use?

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Murder and Mayhem — 35 Comments

  1. Is herself packing her bags by any chance?

    Apparently crushed glass is foolproof, although not sure how it works.

  2. I’ve been watching Monty Python, so I know how to disarm somebody wielding a banana.

    Have you tried maledictions or voodoo? I have Arthur C. Clarke’s ‘World of Strange Powers’ book here, he reckons this has an 80% success rate. He knows his onions.

  3. “I would never target anyone in their middle or later years” T

    Phew! that is a relief, I am safe for another while.

    What about composting? I heard of someone who put a whole deer (roadkill) in his compost bin, a very large one, and one year later he only found one bone. The heap had not been disturbed by animals so you can rule that out.

  4. @K8 – Voodoo has distinct possibilities. OK. I’m trying an experiment. I have a doll here and I’ve called it ‘K8’. I am sticking a needle in it right……… now! [feel anything?]

    @Grannymar – Composting is good, but how do you persuade someone to lie on a compost heap for a year? They might get suspicious?

  5. well Grandad have you thought of misdirection. say leaving his car in downtown Belfast with the motor running and the doors open after having slipped his body into Lough Neagh. That way even if the body is discovered they go looking for some joy riding punk instead of the kindly old grandad from down south?

  6. Disarming someone wielding the banana, bah! How does one kill with one? Slice it up in cereal? Do you have any idea how many times it took practicing on my partner before I got it right?

  7. @Sean – an old favourite of mine. They never found Lord Lucan. Did they?

    @Cheryl – You’ve just given me another idea – send someone a crate of bananas with a Brown Banana Spider in it!!

  8. Might I suggest precipitous? Blowing up a perfectly good literary work simply because himself is feeling threatened by a little old lady from Chicago. We have a few like you here, too. Oh yes, I saw the post where you claimed Boston as Ireland’s third largest city.

  9. Do you people know how much banana’s cost since the cyclone in North Queensland last Christmas. We’ve only just got back to normal $12 a kilo until recently. Eat the banana (or at least let K8 make a cake out of it) and come up with something creative for the peel. I believe it’s toxic if you smoke it!

  10. I have never smoked banana peel. Tobacco, tea leaves and other ‘exotic’ herbs, yes. I must try it sometime.

  11. Speaking of Boston, which has more ap-peel to me … than smoking fruit rind … to say nothing of how on earth do you think that someone would not notice the smell which makes getting away with murder a tad difficult …

  12. No. Actually, I’ve gone out. Some politicains have just been spotted canvassing so I’ve heading off with my trusty Purdey .577 double rifle.

  13. When you have a chance, while you’re cleaning your gun or whatever, what do you think about an adaptation of the re-assembled bits and pieces of my book into a BBC show like “Waiting for Godâ€? or “One Foot In The Graveâ€?? A little murder might be just what’s needed.

  14. Ah, the Purdy .577 Nitro Express! A fine piece of work that rifle. That 600 grain projectile hits like a boy-racer on a brick wall. I personally prefer the Holland and Holland 4 bore double rifles. They throw a 1000 grain piece of lead at almost 2000fps. That Cape Buffalo wouldn’t have a chance against either one of them.

  15. Grandad,

    I buried someone called Hagedorn once, but they were dead already, it would have been murder if they hadn’t been dead.

    I often think a clerical collar would be a good cover for muder and mayhem, those smiling young men just out of Templemore Garda college always wave me through their checkpoints.


    PS Someone has got a supply of stickers made to look like big brown envelopes and affixed them to the large FF signs at junctions on the National route near Belville. I noticed one of these partly obscuring the handsome visage of minister Roche. I trust this was nothing to do with you!

  16. Can you disarm your spam filter !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am very worried for Herself but if the need should arise apparently crushed glass does the job.

  17. Grandad, I must say that you have a most incurious lot of commentors.

    Why is that not one wondered why I chose you over TwentyMajor? After all, with his two-book deal, maybe he could have gotten Hodder Headline to look at snapping up the foreign rights to my book. But no one asked.

    And no one wanted to know what Grandad’s take was on the voluptuous heroine of the book. (You can’t kid me; I know you took a peek at the book trailer on YouTube.)

    I’m really disappointed that no one asked if you were going to audition for the Tom Ballardish part in a BBC version of the book.

    Most incurious.

  18. I’d call you paranoid only I’ve admitted taht the only reason I’m going to UCD is so I can get into the UCD research centre for Infectious Diseases, steal some smallpox, and infect the Dail.

    That’ll teach them to be politicians, the conniving bastards.

  19. And how am I the most popular outgoing link when I got the grand total of two fucking comments, one from that spanner whose name I couldn’t be arsed using, and Brian?

  20. I, however, because of the time difference, am wide awake. Ready to take all those questions that can only be asked in the nighttime over there. The kind you whisper to the missus just before falling asleep, like “you smooshed all the bananas for baking, right?”

  21. @Flirty – Much as i would love to disarm my spam filter, take a look at the bottom of the page!! I think they distrust your name.

    @Cheryl – not sleeping. I was out hunting politicians. Didn’t get any, but I got two North Koreans, which puts my score through the roof. They’re rare.

    @Ian – you’re a star. I never thought of that. Contact me. I might have a permanent position for a hitman.

  22. Hey Grandad

    Have you thought of something basic simple and clean, like drowning them in the tub?

    True having to look at some of your victims naked would give you the horrible frights but if you concentrated on the beautiful it could be okay.

    just think no fingerprints, DNA all washed away, neat and tidy plus keeps all the mess contained in one water tight spot. Especially if you use their tub. You could maybe even just chuck the toaster in with them lol no strain no pain

    The key to using a banana is to use it whole in the peal you use it to block off their air and muffle their screams and then depending on your level of psychopathy a nice light snack full of potasium.

  23. Nah! Baths are wet and messy. Unless they are full of sulphuric acid. But even then you have to leave ’em for days and you end up with a revolting greasy gunk in the bath.

    The acid plays havoc with the drains too.

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