I have been very good this year.

That could of course change, but so far I have [mostly] remained quiet about all the crappy advertisements on television. I am sick and tired of images of roast turkey and all the trimmings but I haven’t said a word [apart from commenting that the turkeys look most unappetising]. I have learned that the only way to have a perfect Christmas is to shop only at Supervalu, Tescos, M&S, Dunnes, Aldi Lidl, Argos, Harvey Norman and a few others, and I still remain quiet.

You see, I have learned how to survive all the hype through November and December after I made a simple discovery. The hype is both visual and sound, and by far the worst part is the sound. Remove that from the equation and the season becomes quite tolerable. It’s easy enough to ignore advertisements on the television when the sound is muted. I mute them automatically all year so the irritation factor is reduced to a background flicker of silence.

The sound is a different matter, It’s the incessant background noise of so called Christmassy music. Again, this can be divided into two distinct categories – traditional and shite.

By traditional music I mean carols in the main. A drop of King’s College Choir is fine by me as they evoke lovely memories.

It’s the shite songs that get me. Basically they can be categorised by a simple rule – if they contain the words Christmas, happy, snow, Santa or sleigh-bells then they are shite, almost without exception. They are cheap and tacky and just come across as someone trying to make a few bob by cashing in on the time of year.

They are not all modern pop songs, as they go back to Bing Crosby [whose singing I detest]. I have a thorough dislike of all the old crooners including Crosby, Sinatra and their ilk. By a vast majority though they are all relatively new. Slade and Band Aid are typical examples.

Strangely I heard recently that the most popular song is “Fairy Tale of New York”. It is actually my number one too, but on the most detested charts. I cannot understand how people go for Shane McGowan and his slurred singing. Kirsty MacColl is fine but McGowan? He sounds as though he has just consumed a right skin full, which he probably has.

So the rule is simple – avoid shops blaring music at their unfortunate customers and keep the finger on the remote control’s Mute button.

It works perfectly for me.