The Magnificent Seven
Some of you who are fortunate enough not to reside on this blighted Island may not be aware that we have a presidential election coming up.
Quite why we have a president, I’m not sure. The only time we ever see him or her is when some Bigwig comes calling or when there is a tragedy overseas and we need someone to mouth the appropriate words of sympathy. In other words, a fucking great waste of money.
There are seven candidates apparently, so I had better tell you who they are so that you too can sit riveted to the television as the results of the election are called. These are they, in alphabetical order.
Mary Davis. I haven’t a fucking clue who she is. Something to do with a charity? Never heard of her before this latest bandwaggon started rolling.
Sean Gallagher. An utter fuckwit. His only claim to fame is that he was on the panel of the Irish version of “Dragon’s Den”. He seems to think this gives him some kind of status in this country. Sadly, it probably does.
Michael D Higgins. He has been representing Galway in the Dail since God was a child. An intellectual but with a very irritating voice. He always talks as if his bollox was trapped in a vice. I don’t know the significance of the “D”. I can only suppose that his parents loved the name Michael so much that they named their sons “Michael A”, “Michael B” and so on, and that our candidate was fourth out of the traps.
Martin McGuinness. Not to be confused with the Martin McGuinness who was the leader of the IRA. The fact that they are the same bloke is apparently irrelevant. No one can understand a word he says anyway unless they are from Derry.
Gay Mitchell. The first of the Gays on the list. Comes from a dynasty of professional politicians. One assumes he is in the race because the Presidency is about the one area the Mitchells haven’t cracked yet.
David Norris. The second Gay on the list which should have a few Good Irish Catholics in a tailspin. Can be very entertaining but insists on talking about James Joyce all the time. Once started, it’s difficult to shut him up.
Dana [aka Rosemary Scallon]. Has made a career out of the fact that she once sang a song in the Eurovision Song Contest back in 1970. Is also a professional religious nutcase.
So they are the seven runners. A lovely selection you must admit.
Who will I be voting for?
Dustin the Turkey, of course.
Well since my father was born in Sligo that make me elegible to vote in Irish elections. So I’ll vote for Dustin too!!!
Go Dustin!
The President also attends all of Ireland’s home rugby internationals – but you knew that. Yes ?
Surely David Norris is the only really credible candidate – personal opinion I hasten to add.
(And I’m not gay b.t.w.)
Old Martin. He just won’t go away, will he? Anyway, I really don’t understand how a feller who’s deputy first minister of one state can run for president of another. Can you imagine that in another partitioned country? Palestine & Israel. Unthinkable. I find it all very odd.
Brianf – Fair play! And if you can find out the names of all your dead ancestors, we can arrange for them to vote too?
Mossy – Why do you think I’m not bothering to run? I see it being a call between Norris and Higgins. I’m not sure if the Irish electorate is quite ready for Norris though? Personally, I really couldn’t care less. It’s more a case of who I would hate to see in there.
TT – Very odd indeed, and he can’t seem to see that. He was questioned today on the possibility of his welcoming the queen on a return visit. He said that he couldn’t see a problem there! He mightn’t, but I can think of quite a few who could.
Things could be worse. You could be facing an election in the U.S.A.
Democracy doesn’t work.
They should be called The Seven Dwarfs, because in the overall scheme of things they really are dwarfs, small and irrelevant. Fuck Dustin the Turkey he permanently has a bloke’s hand up his arse. I’d give mine to Snow White. Jean Byrne in a Snow White Costume reading the weather….Oh Yeah! Heh!, mmmmm, yep.
I had no intention of voting until McGuinness entered the race, now I must vote for someone, anyone but him is my motto, foreigners & criminals shouldn’t be allowed run anyway, obviously just my own personal opinion / prejudice etc.
Grandad,
I think Martin Just wants to supplement the pension he gets from being Deputy First Minister ?
My Theory about why there was a “Peace Treaty” in the first place was that the leadership wanted pensions and other ” revenue enhancements” for there old age.
I am surprised that Barrak Obama fella isnt standing for the job after all his current gig isnt going so hot
Has anybody here seen my old friend Martin……Yeah can you tell me where he’s gone. You know he killed a lot of people … etc.
Actually you may wanna delete that one.
Ramrod – Most political systems work very well on paper, and democracy should be up there with the best. But it ain’t. It’s down there with the worst.
Slab – Go have a cold shower.
Lafsword – There is that. I may actually vote for exactly the same reason. The very idea of Gallagher, McGuinness or Dana gives me nightmares, so it will be a case of voting to keep them out. The only problem is which of the others to vote in? Mitchell is a tosser and Davis is a complete unknown so I presume it’s down to Norris or Higgins.
Dougal – Welcome! In the last couple of decades I have become cynical enough to believe that no one enters poitics for the sake of their country. It’s all down to greed: greed for power and greed for money. I wonder if we could offer the job to Gadaffi?
TT – Delete it? Why? Oh all right. I’ll delete it. Sometime. Remind me to do it. Next week?
He knows where I live !!
Ah! OK. I’ll leave it there so….. 😈
For a Lark in The Park, Vote Norris. Heh! Who really wants a Provo in The Park anyway.
Lafsword, you are so right. McGuinness, does’nt live in the Republic nor does he pay taxes here either.
S’OK. I know where you live.
What harm can a President be:
LBJ
Ford
Carter
Bush (1 and 2)
Clinton
Obama
Rumpy Pumpy.
Oh!, Gotcha.
All kinds of everything remind me of you.
Hi GD – your words revisited … We stopped off in a couple of towns and ended up in a wee spot called Vihiers where the local cafe proprietress couldn’t do enough for us because we are Irish. …. seems such a long time ago – I wonder if she was interested in queer politicians or even standing for president – queer system you guys have!!!
The only true thing Bertie Ahern ever said was that Gay Mitchell was a waffler. A long career of footpath widening, speed bump installing and street light fixing. That’s about it.
If I found it physically possible to exercise my presidential voting franchise I might undertake a little mathematical experiment with the transfer system. I would attempt to vote for the four candidates I expect to get the least first preference votes, in ascending order. Thus I’d give my number one to Gallagher, who I expect to be eliminated after the first count. Next I’d give my number two preference to Dana Rosemary Scallon. Then my number three preference would transfer after the second count to Mary Davis. I’d mark down the duck-stalking McGuinness for number 4. Then I would discontinue my preferences. After McGuinness is eliminated on the fourth count my ballot paper would become non-transferable and I could say honestly that I didn’t vote for whoever gets to be President, but that I did perform my civic duty of voting in the election.
My exercise would have added spice if I could find a bookmaker willing to accept a bet on the order of the first four eliminations. It seems mathematically to be an easier way of making money than selecting six numbers in the Lotto.
I love this post.