This post is brought to you from beyond the grave – a story hidden deep within the document folder of Grandad himself which he seems to have written under the influence of something wonderful.

I am delivering it in three parts, so that you may sip at it like a well aged scotch over the weekend.

Part One:

‘Twas the Night of the King’s Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-‘ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. “What ho!” cried the King. “Ass-hole!” replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. “But what of the Queen?” asked Daniel. “Oh, fuck the Queen!” replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, “Oh, shit!”; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

“Stop!” cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called “Halt!” and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions’ den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts — but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of tea?” Daniel replied, “C-U-N-T!” And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of pills?” Daniel replied, “NIP-PILLS!” And the Queen departed.

…to be continued