The final solution?
I have been doing a lot more thinking lately than usual.
Some of it on my own into the long dark hours of night, a lot with Daughter who has been more than a rock of common sense, but sadly none with Herself due to limitations of infirmity and geography.
A few of those thinking sessions have even led to quiet emotional outbursts of choking which is a new experience for me.
Maybe the time has come to say what all this thinking is about, and probably what’s more important are my arguments for and against the motion?
Some of you may be aware that I have been having some minor health problems for the last year. The general consensus is that physically and emotionally I have been through a lot, probably far more than most in their lifetime. I have endured pain, disfigurement and endless trips to and from various hospitals. I might add that in the course of all those hospital visits I have built up a very impressive list of teams, disciplines and expertise.
The question – Where do I go from here?
I tried out the question on my various teams of experts. The first thing you learn is that none is an expert. I would get various degrees of positivity [or negativity] while sadly the positive side seemed to be gradually losing the argument over time.
Over time, my choices seemed to narrow down to two. One choice which was a forerunner for a while was to go into hospice care whereupon i would build up my strength to face into chemotherapy. The other choice was to bow to the inevitable and just let nature take its course. This would also take place in hospice care where the entire focus would lay in making my life as comfortable and pain free as possible.
I know there are going to be arguments from both sides.
I finally decided on the second option. My reasons were simple. I chose my Oncologist as my primary expertise and asked him in all honesty to lay out his thoughts. He said that yes, it may be possible to build up my weight and strength a bit [I have now lost about 5 stone in weight] but that I would be then entering a period of chemotherapy which would probably kill me anyway.
By chance, Daughter visited early today and again, by chance, I had a visit from my Palliative Care team at the same time. The Gods were indeed smiling on us. Already they are making moves to check on availability of beds and hopefully there will be word in the next few days.
The Wicklow Hospice is everyone’s choice. I know websites can be glossy [just look at this one?] but theirs is really impressive.
They even allow smoking and drinking on the terraces!
Hopefully Grandad you can find a way to leave when you want,on your terms. You have entertained me mightily over the years, my heartfelt thanks at this difficult time My best wishes to you and your family.
From experience I noted earlier, I am sure you are making the right choice, not only for you but also for your loved ones.
Not that it matters what I think, as long as it’s your choice, then that’s the right choice for you. I’m sure all of us ‘visiting’ you here will respect that.
Enjoy those terraces to the full.
Many years ago, as part of my Open University degree course, we had to put arguments for and against the various options for cancer treatment. My final choice was the same as you seem to have decided upon. God bless you.
We are the only ones who know what we endure, and know what would suit us. I respect your choice, would choose the same myself.
The hospice movement is the very centre of care in these situations. It is my experience that they are unfailingly beacons of excellence, kindness and expertise. And what they cannot provide they are very quickly able to source.
Be not afraid.
You will be in good hands and I know that the end, when it is time, will be peaceful and pain free.
And hopefully you’ll have weeks, months or longer, to not go gentle into that good night and to have some good times first. I believe your decision is the right one. Or at least it’s the one I’d make as well.
You are, as you have always been, an inspiration.
I suspect your choice would be the one I would make… given the opportunity. I have no advice only best wishes.
I can’t do better that the Prof, who has said it for me. I’ll be thinking of you,
Dear Grandad, your posts have always brought a tear to the eye but previously of laughter. I will always treasure memories of coffee in Ballykissarse one sunny afternoon, Penny by your side. With all best wishes to you and to your family
Strength and best wishes Grandad.
Grandad, as long as the choice is yours to make; it can’t be the wrong choice for you.
The care you’ll receive in the hospice will certainly give you peace and your personal chance to feel better – something you’ve not had for some time!
Still thinking of you Grandad, you’re doing the right thing without doubt!