So I have spent a full day of home life.

This may seem pretty ordinary to most but it has been a bit of an eye opener. I knew things were going to be different, I just wasn’t sure how much.

First and foremost is the weakness. People keep telling me that I have been through a massive eight and a half hour operation and that I must expect to be weak and all that. That’s all very well, but the operation was on my face and neck. Why does that leave me in constant danger of falling over? Getting out of my armchair involves lots of guttural grunts and heaves before I am reasonably upright. a trip to the jax of a few steps requires the assistance of fucking crutch! In fact a trip anywhere without a crutch is begging for trouble.

I am suddenly old and bent. For the first time in my life I really feel old and I certainly look it. Not being able to stand up straight gives me a constant stoop with my head bowed looking at the floor all the time. i got chatting to some neighbours yesterday and had to excuse myself while i fetched my crutch and even then i ended chatting to their shoes. And I had to cut the chat short because of the pain. I now wear one of those panic buttons around my neck in case of a fall. Panic buttons are for the ancient and decrepit. Why the fuck am I wearing one?

Eating and drinking are a laugh. I am supposed to drink a lot. i am supposed to demolish a 1,5 liter bottle of Volvic a day. Hah! Yes I am thirsty but drinking involves staring at the ceiling while I carefully pour some in my open mouth. most times it just pours down my front. i have had to forsake tea altogether because it’s hot! i haven’t yet attempted my nightly shot of Jameson as I would hate to waste it on a shirt.

Eating is no better. i have to suck food off a spoon or fork and I generally make a mess and need a change of clothes after. if I were a young lad bringing a date for our first meal out, I’d be fucked. Strangely though I have no problems with Indian curry. One of the mysteries of the universe? The eating and drinking larks stem from the fact that I only really have half a mouth. When they removed my nose they obviously had to cut my upper lip adrift. It’s attached at both ends but is essentially now just a strip of flesh [and mustache] that is strung across my mouth making eating, drinking and speaking somewhat problematic. It also doesn’t help when trying to enjoy a pipe as it is impossible to close half a mouth around a pipe stem. I have found a way but it involves holding the pipe at all times and managing to enjoy a few puffs before the effort gets too much. I’m not giving that up though.

Most off my problems are actually nothing to do with the operation itself but rather with one intensely irritating after effect. I mean of course my neck muscles. These are still bow-string taut so I can’t raise my head when standing or sitting vertically. Even standing with my head bowed causes severe pain in the back of my neck and down my spine. I am only really comfortable when slouched in an armchair, and I mean slouched.

I am taking things very quietly at the moment. A couple of friends said they might call around. That would be nice as I can stay sitting for that. Daughter is stealing my car again to visit Herself. I am tempted to tag along to enjoy driving and of course to see Herself but It would possibly be too much on the old body.

it’s a fucking bugger growing old.

And when life throws cancer on top of that………