I spent a wee while in A&E the other day.

The reasons aren’t all that important and nothing for anyone to get worried about.

Having registered my details at the reception desk I was invited to sit in the waiting room. This consisted of a box with twelve plastic chairs and one wall of glass looking out onto the car park and the street. There was a television up on the wall in front of us and it was switched on to TV3 or Virgin or whatever they call it these days. The sound was on but too low to make any sense of what was being said.

So I waited. In a remarkably short time I was ushered into a wee room and all my particulars were noted. They stuck a cannula in one arm and put one of those little plastic bracelets on the other arm. The latter showed my name and date of birth, in case I forget, and the former was used to drain vast quantities of blood for testing. I was told to head back to the waiting room and would be called again. That was around half two.

I got bored watching the car park the eyes drifted to the television. Now TV3 is what I call tabloid television. It’s all young and happy happy blond female presenters and the standard of content leaves a lot to be desired. I got very bored with Judge Judy [who is even less interesting when you can’t hear her yelling at some miscreant] and tried to doze. The hours passed………

I felt a hand on my shoulder so looked up. A nice woman was concerned about me as she had noticed I was there for a very long time. I thought that was nice of her. I went back to my mental shut-off mode.

At half five the news came on. It was the usual stuff about immigrants camping on Dublin’s pavements, and more shots of ruins [presumably Gaza]. Then we were treated to some ghastly magazine programme. In the middle of that the woman returned. Now she was very concerned about me and was there anything she could do for me? There really are some very nice people out there but sadly seem few and far between.

I had watched the news again at seven when my name was called. A very officious nurse of Indian sub-continent origins scowled at me. I managed to get up with some difficulty as my arse was now firmly glued to the plastic seat. I staggered and nearly fell. I apologised and explained that I was a tad stiff from sitting so long. She scowled even more. She obviously took that as criticism instead of idle explanation.

I was brought into another little room. She started quizzing me about my ailment. When did it start? I said I didn’t know as it was a gradual thing. Why was I there in A&E? Because it had suddenly developed into something extremely painful. I then got a lecture on the function of A&E with emphasis on the E. What the fuck was I doing there? Because my doctor sent me. They don’t have the facilities in that hospital she snarled as if I had come in looking for a smoked cod and chips. I said I would update my doctor. She asked if I smoked. I told her I gave up the fags over fifty years ago. It says here in your notes that you are a pipe smoker! Damn Doc and his attention to detail and why the fuck did she ask me if she had the notes? I smiled sweetly at her. She was still not amused.

Now I know it was the end of a long day. I know hospital staff are overworked and underpaid. I know I was at the end of a long queue [she told me I was at the end because I wasn’t serious] and maybe I should have gone to a different doctor or something, but she was beginning to piss me off with her headmistress attitude. She certainly had fuck all sense of humour as any attempt at a little levity was met with a snarl.

When did my problem start she asked again. I repeated that my memory wasn’t clear on that. When did it suddenly get serious? I said I didn’t remember exactly but it was a couple of weeks back. It says in your notes that the first visit to your doctor was in December and we’re into April now. Er, May says I. [Ker-ching, as Granddaughter would say] This really infuriated her as it was indeed May [still is actually]. That was it. She had had enough. She will contact another hospital to make an appointment for me and will be in touch. She told me to go to another room so they can remove the cannula.

You mean I can’t keep it says I?

She nearly exploded.