I watched a programme last night.

It was Yer Man Noel Fitzpatrick doing his engineering things on dogs to get them back on their feet. I don’t think it will come as any surprise to anyone if I say I have a thing about dogs. I’m a bit wary of those heavy Mastiff type yokes, or dogs with squished noses that have been bred until they can barely breath. I did have a bit of a dislike of greyhounds and their ilk as they always looked half starved, but since Penny arrived on the scene I have changed. I now love Lurchers, Whippets, Greyhounds and the rest of their family.

One thing struck me about the programme. It featured several dogs being patched up after accidents or birth defects. After each treatment which could involve a long stay at the vets, the dog was brought in to meet its family.. Every meeting was the same – the dog would make straight for one of the seated group and its tail would lash from side to side and in most cases, its arse as well. There would be frantic face licking and squeals of delight.

Our Penny is different.

She once did a spell of overnights at the vets and when the day came I went to collect her. She walked out with the vet, glanced at me with extreme indifference and stared off into the distance. Come to think of it, I have never seen her tail wag. It waves around erratically when she walks and goes into a vertical loop when she’s about to drop a series of landmines around the house, but never a wag.

People often ask what breed she is. The official version is a Lurcher Collie Cross but I have a difficulty with that. Her head definitely takes on a Greyhound/Lurcher look on occasions and her legs are Lurcher thin too, but the rest of her is something stockier so she doesn’t have that starved look. It the body of something hairy though. And the tail is just an afterthought that someone nailed on when she was a puppy.

She is a very strange dog. She treats me with utter indifference and even the odd drop of disdain, yet if I leave the room she follows me wherever I’m going even if I do a circuit of the kitchen table. She’ll do the circuit too. If I leave the room without her noticing, she’ll soon search all the rooms until she finds me again. Apparently she gets very upset if I leave the house without her but my return is greeted almost with contempt.

Her indifference also extends to other people, dogs, cats or birds. The odd time I’ll let her out when the neighbour’s cat is in the garden. The cat freezes while Penny stares at him but that’s all she’ll do. Chasing cats and birds is just too energetic so she doesn’t bother.

She also has her own set of quirky rules which took me a while to work out. For example, face licking is out. In fact licking of any part of a body including hands is not done. However there is an exception to this rule – at night, when settling her down, if I stroke her then licking of hands is compulsory and she will go through serious contortions to lick my hands.

Another rule is that she has to be aware of whatever is going on in the garden. Wherever she lies down during daytime she has to be able to see out the glass doors to the garden. If I let her out, her first action is to scan the whole garden carefully before wandering off. Equally, when she asks to come in [by tapping gently on the door] she has to scan the entire garden to detect any intruders before coming in.

In the evening when I’m in with Herself, Penny will frequently start up a conversation. She seriously does talk and doubtless would make sense if her mouth and vocal chords were suitable for the job. Instead what I get is a series of quiet snaps thrown at me and she’ll then wait for an answer. Sometimes what she’s trying to say is obvious. For example if the paws the floor while snapping it means she wants the blanket from her bed brought in an spread on the floor at my feet.

She is a remarkably quiet dog. Her nighttime conversations are the only time she’ll usually make a sound, as her teeth snap together. The only time she will ever bark is late at night when she will be at the door to the garden. She will let out one short sharp loud bark that scares the shite out of us as it’s a rarity and has no warning. But that’s it. One bark. Then back to silence again.

She’s a very strange dog but I love her dearly.