I have developed quite a “thing” about shrink-wrap.

I know it’s probably a cheap and efficient way of packaging things but have they ever considered the consumer?

Herself likes bottled water. That is more than fair enough especially if you had tasted our tap water. Or maybe you like the consistent delicate flavour of Chlorine? There are times when our kitchen smells like a public swimming pool. Anyhows, for the sake of convenience I naturally buy in bulk, getting four or five six-packs [she gets through a lot!]. These six-packs are – you’ve guessed it – shrink-wrapped. Getting the first bottle out involves a major struggle and even the last one is a bitch as the wrap clings to the bottles like a fucking limpet. Tins of dog food are just as bad.

I ordered an oil lamp recently. It was an impulse buy but I have been meaning to get one at some stage anyway. It’s difficult to order one in the middle of a power cut.

The package arrived today. I had been following its progress via an online tracker. It was a bit like that tennis bloke in Australia. The package kept “arriving at the parcel centre” and then being “dispatched for delivery”. This happened multiple times over the last few days so the parcel must have been bouncing all over the place.

Anyways I set to opening the parcel.

It was wrapped for virtually every eventuality, from being waterproof through to being able to survive a nuclear explosion [it was probably radiation proof too].

For a start it was wrapped in the company’s duct tape which is impossible to remove. Layer upon layer of tape. I hacked at it with a carving knife.

Under the tape were layers of heavy black plastic which of course had been shrink-wrapped. There were many layers of this shit so it took a while to carve a way through.

Finally I got to the cardboard box sealed with tape which was equally impossible to remove without resorting to blue language. I hope monks in a silent monastery don’t have to open parcels?

Inside the box were, of course, multiple layers of bubble wrap.

I hacked my way through that and found another box!

Inside the box was more bubble-wrap which I removed with the delicacy of a heart-surgeon.

Finally there it was. My oil lamp in all its glory!

The glass chimney was broken!

P.S. I phoned the company. They were most apologetic and asked me to send in photographs, which I did. They couldn’t have been nicer about it.