I have been giving this passport lark some thought.

I must have spent at least ten minutes on the subject.

So I can go into a pub and have a pint if I have been jabbed. Or I’m okay if I have had the lurgy and have recovered. If I have had the lurgy and died then I am not eligible for a pint.

But how does the pub know? Well, the nice people in the Health Mob will email me something. This is assuming I have an email account [and a lot of people don’t but they didn’t think of that] and I can the scan something onto my smart phone. But that’s assuming I have a smart phone [and even more people don’t have one but they didn’t think of that].

But supposing I didn’t go to the Health Mob to get my needle? Well, then I must have gone to my local GP. He will send me a letter with something to scan into my smart phone which I may not own. That of course is assuming that a) he has made a record of the fact and b) that he could be arsed to send loads of letters when he hasn’t got the time as he is busy treating people who are actually sick, and not just wanting a pint.

And how do I prove that I have had the lurgy? This is another problem. Assuming I was hospitalised but not dead the I can only assume that they email me to an account which I may not have, to scan into my phone which I’m even less likely to have. If I had the lurgy but it was so mild that I didn’t even bother Doc then how the fuck is anyone supposed to know apart presumably from myself. They haven’t worked that one out yet.

Right. We will assume for the sake of argument that I actually have a smart phone and the little gizmo on it I can go for a pint? Well, I can but I can’t bring my young family. Well, I can if my family are under 18 [a pub with an “Under 18s Only” policy? Wow!] but not if they are a little bit older and haven’t had their prick.

So I arrive at the pub that will only accept the Purified [i.e. those that have had the jab, have an email account and a smart phone]. I then have to have my phone checked by a staff member who is very unlikely to have been Purified and will therefore be spreading the disease everywhere.

Having been checked in, I can finally order my pint. But another trap lies ahead.

I can only stay in the pub for 105 minutes. This is apparently down to some studies that discovered that the Virus is benign for an hour and three quarters but at 106 minutes [precisely] it suddenly mutates into a raving monster that will devour even the Purified. It is a truly amazing Virus?

Who is going to police all this? Well, that’s down to our Gardai who now have the powers to enforce the law. But the law also says they cannot enter the pub [or restaurant or coffee shop]. So they have to rely on Extrasensory Perception. All our police are apparently trained in ESP, or indeed by ESP.

Complicated, isn’t it?

It’s just as well that I don’t have to go through any of this rigmarole. I don’t need their passport thingy.

I have been banned for years because of the smoking hysteria and would have to stay outside anyway.

I wouldn’t want to enter any establishment that didn’t want me.