We are suffering another avalanche of dire warnings from our Health Masters.

We are told we are over socialising and are being very naughty children altogether. If we don’t behave ourselves they are going to cancel the New Year. This is a particularly odious threat as it would mean we were stuck with 2020 for a lot longer.

Their latest edict is a strange one.

Only meet people indoors that you trust with your life.

I can’t quite get a grip on this one. Are they asking me not to invite anyone into the house who might have murderous intent? Would I have to ask all visitors to fill in a form saying what weapons they are carrying, what their intentions are and if they are high on something illegal? It’s possible that some innocent may enter but a combination of too much drink and one of my tasteless jokes might tip them over the edge into a murderous rage. It has happened before.

Or maybe it’s a reference to my heart “event”? Should I only invite people who are likely to phone an ambulance in the chance that I might end up writhing on the floor in agony? That would eliminate a hell of a lot as most would just carry on drinking. I have friends who are very dedicated to the art of the drink.

How many people would I trust to point a loaded gun at me and not pull the trigger? That brings things to single figures or less. Some would pull the trigger in the hopes they’d get away with it. Others would pull just to see what happened. Others might pull just for the craic.

It would be easier to just not invite anyone in. But that would be playing their game.

I can’t do that.