If you can keep your head
The postman has just been and gone.
Since they have now closed down my coffee shop, possibly for three months or even permanently, the arrival of a few pieces of junk through the letterbox is now the highlight of my day. The excitement is palpable when I see that DayGlo clad figure on my CCTV.
So I rushed through the house to see what crud he had delivered today and I wasn’t disappointed.
There, lying on the porch floor under the letter box was a beautiful glossy pamphlet – “Public Information” it declared, and under in Bold lettering “National Framework for living with COVID-19″. Wow! A National Framework! It was accompanied by another leaflet trying to sell me log burning stoves, but I don’t think the two were related.
I opened up my National Framework and lo, before me lay a large poster to hang on my wall. It gave all the details of the various Levels they have been spouting about with little pictures of churches and weddings [but not funerals] and little groups of people showing how many can attend a pub or a restaurant or a football match or whatever. I noticed that under Level 3 I can have six visitors to the house but two of them have to be decapitated, which is a bit weird. Having listed all these little icons under the various Levels, it proceeded to list them all again but in Irish. Under Leibhéal 3 I can still have six visitors but they can all keep their heads which is presumably a sly attempt to promote the Irish language?
Sadly I won’t be hanging it on my wall. I am miserable enough with the loss of the coffee shop without having a constant reminder.
I might take a leaf from the other leaflet though.
It will be grand for starting a fire.
So, who's going to be decapitated?
A third of all non-Irish speakers, apparently. This is a new twist in a surreal world.
Hell! I'm non-Irish – but I'd definitely like to keep my head!
You should be all right should you wish to visit. You have a 66% chance of surviving.
Definitely worse than the lurgy, then. I'll stay home, I guess. 😉
Firelighters? That's what the one that dropped through our letterbox was used for. Worked quite well.
Just don't use it as an arse-wipe. That glossy paper just smears things around.
Would you be interested in a slightly used executioners' ax? I'll have to leave the blade dull for the mailing but I'm sure you can sharpen the thing up when it gets there. I also have the block and basket but they're a bit stained. I can bleach before shipping if you like but leaving the stains on might be more intimidating?
You'll have to build your own platform I'm afraid. I'm sure you can find some enterprising lad to do it for you.
If you all speak as Gaeilge, can you have six English visitors?
At least you get some guidance from your Government. Here in the U.S. (a shithole country) we get nothing. Just told by the Grand Wizard it’s all going to disappear and we’re doing just fine. Those pesky 210,000 people that died…no biggie something must have been wrong with them anyway.