I am of course widely known for my calm placid attitude to life.
I was therefore somewhat surprised recently when Herself told me to calm down and stop yelling at the television.
I pointed out that I was merely commenting on a weather forecaster who was dancing around the screen like he was in desperate need of a piss and giving the forecast as if we were a bunch of five year olds, and that I could do a better job with five pints on me while juggling eggs at the same time. She told me to shut the fuck up and that the bloke was only doing his job. I pointed out that said forecaster was now showing us pictures of five year olds sent in by parents which has fuck all to do with the weather, but further strengthened my argument.
At this stage the advertisements had started. They all, without exception involved animations of stuffed toys or even worse, animations of the products themselves. All were accompanied by voiceovers using a singy songy tone usually reserved for infants. And these were all products aimed at adults. I gave another loud “for fucks sake” and promptly got told off again for being cranky. It was all her fault anyway for not giving the remote control to its rightful owner.
So I have been thinking. Am I finally becoming grouchy? Am I less tolerant?
Funnily enough there is one thing that has been irritating me for a while.
Where our lane joins the road there is a couple of manholes. The bigger one has developed a loose lid which rattles every time a car passes over it. So for some time I have heard this loud “clunk clunk” with every vehicle that passes. It is beginning to irritate me.
To make matters worse, the other manhole is starting to come out in sympathy, so now at regular intervals I hear the “clunk clunk” immediately followed by a “clink clink”. Sometimes a vehicle will pass without hitting either which then leaves me in suspense wondering how they did it. It’s worse than the Chinese Water Torture.
I am just waiting for the grand finale when the larger manhole lid fractures. It did that before when a bus passed over it and the fragments literally ripped the arse out of the engine. Said bus came to a complete halt with a trail of broken crank case, gears, bearings and bits of flywheel all over the place, while oil flooded all the way down the road. It was quite spectacular.
The anticipation almost makes the irritation worthwhile.