Call me Ishmael
Once upon a time, the world was a sensible place.
When people had kids they gave them names that wouldn’t cause any confusion. The school attendance books were full of Johns, Marys, Stephens and Joans. Here in Ireland we had our own little favourites like Patrick, Seán and Eileen.
There were some peculiarities such as the Irish thing of giving boys a middle name of Mary for some strange reason but I think that’s died out now.
Then the Americans started fucking up things by changing names slightly by using a different spelling [but what would you expect from a crowd who can’t even spell colour, for fuck’s sake] and instead of Mary we had Mayree or Shannin or some such. The only benefit of that was to give the child a life of grief, having to spell out their name all the time.
Now the world has gone mad over names.
Beyoncé [whoever the fuck she is? A village in France?] has apparently named her kids “Sir Carter” and “Rumi”. What the fuck? I suppose there is a certain cleverness in elevating a newborn to a knighthood but doubtless the other one will want to know whey the fuck they weren’t called “Lord Rumi”? I suppose it could have been worse. She could have called one “Blue Ivy” or some such rubbish but her other sprog had already grabbed that beauty.
The world [apparently] has been holding its breath for the last month waiting to hear what some nonentity is calling her little spawn. Is the world a better place now that we know?
I just hope this fad dies down before things get too chaotic and people start calling their kids “Bdkkku” or “Xzjrkkk” or something.
I hope the Grandkids have more sense when their time comes.
Are you listening Puppychild, Sir Fartzalott and Squidge?
Remember ‘Moon unit’ Zappa, ‘Rolan’ Bolan and other such travesties?
This is what happens to children thus named:
Scout, Rumor (Amercan)………….Scout was Tonto’s horse. Which is fine, but this Scout is a young girl. Apple. North. Moon Unit 2; Dweezel…………………Whatever happened to Christian names?
Grandad,
You know that short-order cook Jamie Oliver? You have to wonder how his kids will handle school and job applications;
Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver – Poppy Honey Rosie Oliver – Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver – Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver.
You see a Pamela and Maurice in there? How sad is that then?
Spelling mistake there. Should have been short order cock Jamie Oliver.
😀
I should have named my daughter “The Grand High Pooh-Bah Fartzalott” when I had the chance? It might have radically changed the course of her life?
Despite a valiant effort on the part of ‘cock’ Oliver, The colonies still hold the record for stupidity with this offering;
“Emdasher”, that’s the pronunciation, the spelling is M-A… I kid not. The poor lass’s teacher’s were calling her ‘EmA’ for want of pronouncement. Until the mother went to the school and caused a scene, screaming that “it’s pronounced ‘Emdasher’ because the dash ain’t pronounced silent” (Sic).
And with that one event, the flame of hope died and the human race was doomed for eternity.
Yours
Pete J
The mother’s a Dafttwa[t] – the T is silent 😉
Ahh I see someone has already mentioned Mr Oliver and his spawn; “Plopsy”, “Dropsy” and “Mopsy” or whatever. I am starting a campaign, in light of BREXSHITE, to bring back the Great traditional British names!
No I don’t mean things like ‘Æthelred The Bedwetter’ or ‘Æthelstan The Stamp Collector’ (which like Raedwald are Germanic names *hiss* *boo* anyways), nor yet the Puritan ‘bind them in daisy chains and whip them with a shoelace’. I’m talking about the truly British names that made our Empire great such as “Blue Murder Jones” and “Cheese Sandwich Smith’ (I’m not joking, you can google).
And of course Zowie Bowie who infinitely prefers Duncan Jones
Other contenders for the weird names award have got to be North West, Jermajesty Jackson and Bear Payne. I wonder if North West has a sprog she (yes, she’s a “she”!) would call it North By North West?
Ah, Grandad, come on, what about all those loony names in the past – Assumpta and Concepta and the like? And what about people like Joseph Mary Plunkett? (Don’t know why he didn’t have the full Christmas story)
I have found the answer to why Jamie Oliver esq felt moved to name his children so, it’s that whole ‘boy name sue’ fing…innit:
12 of the Cruelest Puritan Names (meant to remind children of the pain of the world)
Humiliation. Humiliation Hynde had two sons in the 1620s; he called them both Humiliation Hynde.
Fly-debate
No-merit. NoMerit Vynall was born in Warbleton in Sussex, a fount of beautiful names.
Helpless
Reformation
Abstinence
More-triale
Handmaid
Obedience
Forsaken
Sorry-for-sin. Sorry-for-sin Coupard was another resident of Warbleton.
Lament
Poor old Joseph Mary just fell foul of that strange phenomenon of sticking Mary into the middle of a boy’s name.
Modern names piss me off sorely and frankly makes want to burn stuff/people. Here is the Flaxen Saxon’s view on this burning issue (pun intended): http://flaxensaxon.blogspot.co.nz/2014/02/shit-names.html
Since you asked, my children are called Saxmund and Hroslindi.
That made me laugh. Living in Germany among Germans of an older generation and often in small *cough* close knit *cough* villages, one got very adept at guessing people’s ages and their parents politics by their names. Old Biddies called ‘Rosa’ had members of the Communist Party for parents (Rosa Luxemburg) Obviously boys named ‘Adolf’ were NOT born after 1945. But even in my wife’s non-nazified Prussian family there were any number of GERMANIC ‘Nibelung’ names. Family get togethers were not so much a ‘Gathering Of Clan’ as The Ring Sagas 123. Uncle Siegfried, Aunty Sieglinde, Great Aunt Klothilde-Kriemhilda, Grandpa ‘Rheingold-Roland-die-grimmigen-heiden-bedwungin’ …and not forgetting my own self as ‘Alberich’…
I see you’ve hit on what I consider a very sore subject on my part. Purposely spelling what you might call “normal” names incorrectly. I won’t go into it since you touched it all in your post but I did happen to meet a cashier in my local market awhile ago whose name was Killashandra. I was rather surprised, not only because I knew who she was named after but that it was actually spelled correctly. And, ironically enough, it’s also a place in Ireland.
On a personal note, I’m supposed to be the last male descendant of King Æthelbert of Kent and my father was the last male descendant to carry the name. Thankfully he didn’t saddle me with it as well. I’ve kept real quiet about it though. I was afraid that if it was actually proven by some British genealogical society that I’d end up owing 14 centuries worth of back taxes.
“Thankfully he didn’t saddle me with it as well”
Must have been tough for you at school, Eadbald? :p
Eadbald is usually spelled Æþelbriht. For future reference, like……
Eadbald is usually spelled Æþelbriht. For future reference, like……
You’re getting confused Old Man. Ēadbald was the son of Æþelbriht….and for future reference i would ask you to keep your þorns to yourself (they cause enough trouble in Modern English without any help from ye) 😛
Fuck the taxes! Do you realise you have title claim to some of the most prime territory in the UK? You’d be worth trillions!
Heh, do you realize the amount of money I’d have to spend it to prove it to them? My half-brother may have already done a thorough genealogy history (family tree on my father’s side) all the way back to my ancestors reign but I doubt that England and the royal family would take his word for it.
Besides, I think Edward and Katherine and their offspring might have something to say about it?
You’ve missed out ‘Blue Ivy Carter’.
You’re welcome.
Oh – and that ‘Carter’? That’s her husband’s surname – all three kids all have it.
So that first kid’s forename is simply ‘Sir’
You’re still welcome.
Or maybe its full name is Sir Carter Carter? With these people, anything is possible.
What happens if Sir Carter Carter gets a knighthood? Sir Sir Carter Carter?
No. I squeezed Blue Ivy [male or female?] in there near the bottom.