And so the saga continues.
Yesterday morning when I got up, I let Penny out for a piss or whatever. She promptly shot off into the front garden barking like fury.
Penny has several barks which she reserves for special occasions and it's extremely handy as I know instantly the class of person at the front door, and this bark was a parcel delivery one. If it's a letter delivery she doesn't bark at all, because she loves the postman.
So I stepped out to wander around to the front of the house and was just in time to see a van drive away. I wandered around anyway and sure enough there was a parcel sitting in the window box, squashing Herself's Geraniums.
I brought it in and opened it. It was my new broadband router.
It's a fancy looking little yoke – all black and shiny wth lots of lovely little lights across the front and a couple of penises sticking out of the back. I plugged it in.
Now plugging it in wasn't easy as I had decided to move the main router out of the junk room and into the living room so I had to re-run some wires. Which I did. It immediately sprang to life with lights flashing and I swear the little penises at the back became even more erect.
I connected my laptop to it using a cable and got straight into the control panel. Fuck! Pages and pages of settings. So I did the usual stuff of changing all the defaults including the passwords. My new password as usual is "incorrect". It means that if I forget it, the device immediately reminds me [“Your password is incorrect”].
So there it was – all singing and dancing but there was something missing and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then I realised – no broadband! So I went through all the menus and sure enough, at the bottom of one of the status pages was the little message – "broadband not enabled". Fuck!
I sighed and fired up my browser. No Interweb! Then I remembered I had to reconnect to my old setup, which I did. I got onto the company. I thanked them for their nice shiny router and told them I loved the lights and admired the two vertically erect penises at the back and then I told them my line wasn't enabled.
I knew what was coming next and I wasn't disappointed.
You see, the first time I had a problem ordering the damned thing it took a week to discover my order had been rejected. And then when I finally managed to push the order through they said it would be a week before I got the router.
So when the chap told me it would be a week before my line was enabled I wasn't in the least bit surprised.
It's sitting there just across the room from me. There are two lights on and I am waiting for a third one to light up. That's the light that tells me there are digits coming into the house as well as voices. It's blasting out an extremely powerful signal which is probably blanking out every home wifi in the neighbourhood and it's broadcasting nothing.
I think one of the penises is beginning to look a bit flaccid.