I just love Irish Water.

It is the greatest traveling roadshow in the history of the state and just when you think it can't get any more absurd, it sinks to further depths.

The situation at the moment is that half the country have paid their water charges and the other half haven't.  Actually I would guess that over half haven't, but Irish Water won't release the figures which is a sure indicator that they have nothing to brag about.

Anyhows, the gubmint has decided to suspend demands for payment for at least nine months while they examine the situation.  They are now arguing over whether they should refund to those idiots who did pay or continue to pester the rest of us.  The consensus at present seems to be that there will be no refunds, and that those of us who haven't paid should still do so despite the probability that the payments will be abolished.

The latest is that they are maintaining that we should pay "because it is the law".  Whether we like it or not we have to pay because the LAW says so.  I am trembling in fear and dread as I type this.  The LAW says I should do it and no one can defy the LAW.  Bollox.  It's a sham law and a bad one.  It is there to protect the interests of a private company and is little short of legalised extortion, and therefore I consider it my moral duty to ignore it.

Having failed to understand the purpose of law [to protect the individual, not the company] they then go on to make another classic blunder.

"We need to address the water issues, but whether or not the state pays for the equivalent of domestic water charges or whether people in their homes make a contribution towards the cost of delivering water, as I believe they should, that’s an important issue […]"

Er, hold on…  whether the state pays or we pay?  What is this State of which they speak?  Is it some remote entity with a separate bank account?  No.  The State is the People, but the fucking morons keep [conveniently] forgetting that fact.  For years I have been paying for my water via my Road Tax and a portion of my VAT, both of which are “ring fenced” for water costs, so they can rightly claim that the State [i.e. me] has been bearing the cost up 'til now, but they can't claim that I haven't been paying.

They are also claiming that they have spent a fortune installing water meters and "it's a shame not to use them".  What the fuck?  No one asked them to install meters and if they want to bury a load of useless junk under our roads and pavements then that's their problem.  Maybe I should drive a tank onto the forecourt of the Dáil and when I'm told to leave I reply that it's "a shame not to use it"?

Incidentally, I still have that length of hose going nowhere into my brambles, but the meter has long since been tarred over and buried.

I am waiting now for the next thrilling installment of "Irish Water – The Farce".

Coming to a newspaper near you soon.