When reality goes arse over tit

The sad news is that my Interweb seems to be irrevocably broken.

Or maybe it's my laptop? 

Either way a strange fault has developed where it's throwing all sorts of weird, strange and impossible search results at me without any explanation.

The fault started a couple of days ago when it told me that air causes obesity.  Now I put this down to a dose of crap reporting, or maybe someone getting their maths in a knot so I didn't pay that much attention [apart from writing about it].

But then it threw another one at me that is patently silly – that the oxygen in the air causes cancer.  Now no one in their right mind could believe anything so off the fucking wall as that, yet either my laptop or my Interweb connection dished it up as fact.  It even went so far as to suggest that if the entire population of the US lived in San Juan County, which is at 3,470 metres (11,400 feet), there would be 65,496 fewer lung cancer cases every year, which is nonsense – they'd be so overcrowded that they'd all die from suffocation.

But the fault [whatever it is] deteriorated and then the Interweb started telling me that solar panels suck up all the sunlight and that they too cause cancer.  Whatever that fault is, it's getting worse and more serious.

The next bit of weirdness it threw up was that Tobacco Control now want to remove filters from cigarettes to make them safer.   This fault is getting really bad and is now throwing up stuff it's obviously inventing off the top of its head [if the Interweb has a head?].  It's expecting me to believe the absurd, or maybe it's just testing me?  Or maybe laptops have a sense of humour?

Last night it had another go at me.  It told me that 160,000 people in Ireland are going to die from heart failure even though they have no symptoms at all.  If they are showing no symptoms then how does the Interweb know?  It's tripping itself up now and telling deliberate porkies just to see how I react.

So you see my problem?

The Interweb is quite deliberately lying to me.  I don't know why or how, but no one could remotely believe the utter fucking shite it's throwing at me.  If there is anyone out there who knows anything about laptops or the Interweb is there any chance you can throw me a bit of advice?  How do I fix this? 

At this stage I am even considering reverting to the printed newspapers to get the real truthful news.

Help?

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Comments

When reality goes arse over tit — 7 Comments

  1. Oxygen certainly does cause cancer, along with water, heat, and food. Remove any one of them and no subject will get cancer. They will be dead, but cancer free. 

    • Life causes cancer.  That is the ultimate Einstein formula.

      Hang on – how to I know that you wrote the comment and not my laptop or my Interweb?

  2. Oh Jesus! Don't touch the newspapers.

     

    What your laptop is suffering from is a virulent virus know simply as 'PC.' Where normally the laptop works on logic to offer correct answers, the PC virus trades in lies and deceit and it infects everything including your personal files. Recent reports even suggest it has progressed from a virus to a dangerous disease that can kill so be careful tackling it.

    I have it on my laptop as well and what I do is play old youtube videos from the 50's, 60's and 70's that cannot now be infected by PC. Old war movies with GI's openly smoking are also useful against PC.

    But critically at this time, there is no known absolute cure so if you're like me, you can only struggle on and try to ignore it.

    • Bugger!  I was afraid it might be a virus of some kind.  I did a little research [using carefully shielded old printed encyclopedias] and think I may have found a cure – there is mention that blowing a constant stream of pipe smoke into the air inlets may cure the virus, and maybe even kill it entirely?

  3. Thank heavens! And here I thought I was the only one having this problem. The WWW has certainly turned weird of late…

    …or is it people that have turned even more weird than usual?

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