I think I may have finally discovered "Fourth Hand Smoke".
We all know about "Second Hand Smoke" which is, we are told, as lethal as Sarin and can kill at five hundred paces.
Then there is "Third Hand Smoke" that apparently lurks around on walls and furniture for years whereupon it suddenly jumps out and kills everyone in the room.
So what is this elusive "Fourth Hand Smoke" that we have been searching for for so many years? Why, it's the image of a cigarette being smoked on a cinema screen which is killing the customers in the auditorium. Who would have thunk it?
I came across a study which examined this deadly phenomenon, and apparently these celluloid smokers are wreaking havoc amongst our health services.
"… Ontario smokers will incur at least $1.1 billion in health care costs attributable to their exposure to onscreen smoking."
This is staggering! Being exposed to Fourth Hand Smoke [which, remember is an image of smoke on a screen] causes far more damage to the viewer's health than previously thought and is more deadly that Second or Third Hand Smoke.
"At least 185,000 children and teens aged 0-17 living in Ontario today will be recruited to cigarette smoking by their exposure to on-screen smoking."
This is terrible!! They are recruiting babies who are only just born! Two year olds are queuing at the cigarette kiosks on their way out of the cinema! 185,000 children are being rounded up at gunpoint and marched off to cigarette smoking bootcamps!
However there is some excellent news in all of this.
They estimate that of these 185,000 unfortunates who are forced into smoking through some optical wizardry only 59,000 will die prematurely, which means presumably that 126,000 will in fact live longer than average. Over 68% will have an improved lifespan!
This Fourth Hand Smoke is really amazing stuff.
It infects through the eyeballs, forces infants as young as zero into smoking but drastically increases life expectancy?
I would have thought that $1.1 billion is a bargain?