I'm still at a loss to understand this "Gay Pride" thing.

I hear they are marching in Dublin again today.

Why?

I have nothing against gays [though as I have said before – I hate the way they have hi-jacked the word “gay”] but why the fuck can't they just shut up about it?  Why the necessity to parade through the streets as if it's some mighty badge of honour?  I don't feel the need to march myself through Dublin proclaiming that I'm straight and nor does yer man up on the farm in Braggan feel the need to march to declare his love for sheep.  These are personal matters and I really don't want to fucking hear about them.

I know a few people who are homosexual, and they are nice people.  They don't go greasing up their hairless bodies and mince around in Lycra, and frankly if they did, I would give them a very wide berth.  They are perfectly normal people who just happen to have different preferences from my own.

I worked for thirty or so years in a television broadcasting station and believe me, outside the world of hairdressing that is one environment where the straight was probably the minority.  I don't know why homosexuals are so attracted to hairdressing, television or airline stewarding but there it is.  It was a common sight to see men + men and women + women walking hand in hand around the campus in Montrose and one of them even smoked a pipe, fair play to her.  The story goes that one Christmas management were looking for a fairy to place on top of the main transmitter tower, and three were killed in the rush but that's probably just a rumour.

Let's get one thing straight though.  the word "gay" means happy.  Think of your woman prancing around on an Alp in the Sound of Music – that is gay.  "Gay" does not mean muffin muncher or shirt lifter, so STOP USING THE FUCKING WORD!

And LGBT is even more confusing.  That sounds like a UK railway company back in the '50s [Liverpool and Greater Birmingham Transport?]

So if you're homosexual, that's fine by me.  You have all your rights that you wanted and you are now part of the Great Community [God help you].  You do things your way and I'll do things my way.  I'll share anything with you except a bed because I don't judge.

So just shut the fuck up.

OK?