Dear Great Britain,
We have been neighbours for quite a few years [several million to be exact].
While our relationship has been a tad stormy over the centuries, I think you'll agree that lately we have been getting along quite nicely?
We have a lot in common. We talk roughly the same language [except for people living in Birmingham] and even drive on the same side of the road. You sent your queen over here recently where she tried to speak our other language and in return we sent you our queen and you gave him the Graham Norton Show.
Back in 1972 we were both sentenced to life imprisonment within the EU. It was a harsh sentence, but so long as we were together we knew it would just about be bearable.
But now you are talking about applying for parole? You want your freedom without so much as a thought for our plight?
How could you?
Are you seriously considering leaving us to rot and suffer in that den of foreigners? Are you thinking of leaving us to be the only English speaking country in a morass of foreign languages? Just think of those poor bastards up in Norn Iron. They have had a tough time working out whether they were Catholic or Protestant, Unionist or Nationalist, and now you are asking them to work out whether they are Europeans or not, on top of everything they have been through?
If you don't mind me saying so, I think you are being a tad selfish. You really should have spoken to us first. I thought we were mates, for fuck's sake? If you are leaving you should at the very least insist on taking us with you. That's only fair after all we hve been through?
If you do manage to spring us out of the EU, we'll even let you keep Terry Wogan.