I did a little tweaking yesterday.

As far as I know, tweaking isn't illegal, but I suppose it's just a matter of time.

Anyhows, I tweaked a couple of things in the engine room of this here site, and for the first time I got to see what people were typing into Google to find this place.  Up until now it just told me that the keywords were withheld, or some such crap which wasn't very helpful.

What surprised me was the sheer variety of search terms, and it occurred to me that a lot of their questions weren't actually answered here.  Maybe I should rectify that?

By far and away the most popular phrase was "what does guinness taste like"

Well, the answer to that one is simple – it tastes like Guinness.  After a pint or two, it tastes like more.  It doesn't taste like chocolate, or whiskey or dog poo [or so I’m told] but it does taste like… well… Guinness.

A closely allied search to the one above – "how to make guinness taste better"

Again, simple.  Have another one.

Another one that cropped up very high on the list is "where is Ireland on the map".

Naturally this has to come from some dimwit Mercan as they seem to have terrible trouble with geography.    It's a wonder some of them can find their way home?  Anyhows, the answer – on the printed side, of course, where all the other countries are.  There is no point in looking on the back of the map because you won't find it there.

A close follower to the one above which is obviously from people who don't have a map – "where is Ireland"

Now this is one I can help with.  If you get yourself a map and find Rockall and then find the Scilly Isles, you'll see Ireland in between the two, roughly half way.  It's not hard to miss – it looks like a dog begging.

As a supplement to the above, to those 84 people who are looking for Cavan, I suggest you find Ireland first.  [Why the fuck does anyone want to find Cavan??]

To the people who are looking for "kinky stuff", "nude vaginas" and "big arse", I suggest you look elsewhere.

One very weird one is "pet hates".  This is up near the top scoring 438 searches. This one pisses me off because they are all finding one of those rare scraps I didn't write myself.  Maybe I should do one on my pet hates?

"does my head look big in this"  What the fuck?  Look big in what?  If you're trying to wear a teacup, then it probably does.  On the other hand if you're trying to wear a bath it probably doesn't.

"far cry 3 nude"  Jayzus but there are some really fucked up people out there.  I had to look up Far Cry 3, assuming it's some kind of girl-band, but apparently it's a computer game.  How the fuck can you see a computer game in the nude?  Very weird.

"happy new year my arse"  Now this one I like.  It gives me hope for humanity when there are people ot there who love their arses so much they wish it a Happy New Year.

"how many plugs can be on one socket"  One, of course.  Unless you use an adaptor.  Idiot.  Or is that a trick que

And finally, for all those out there who want "sharon ni bheolain naked" yiz can fuck off.

Those photographs are mine!

D'ya hear me?

ALL MINE.