How to get lost in one building

I had a strange and not so pleasant experience yesterday.

I had to attend a clinic.

And before any of you smartarses comment, it was an eye clinic and not the other kind.

The clinic in question is in the Beacon Centre in south Dublin, in the middle of an industrial estate.  For those of you fortunate enough never to have visited this monstrosity, the Centre comprises a Hotel, a Hospital, a Centre and a Clinic and they are all gloriously mixed up into one complex.

I drove into their underground carpark, which is a maze of one way systems so by the time I parked the car I was completely disorientated.  I found the entrance to the Hospital.  They had sent me instructions and they said I need to find a lift and go to Floor 0.  I eventually found a lift and pressed 0.  The doors just opened again, as apparently I was on Floor 0. 

I asked at the reception desk.  A rather snotty female informed me I was in the Hospital and I needed the Clinic and that I was on the wrong floor anyway.  She gave hopeless directions and left me to get lost again.

I went up to Floor 1 which is also a ground floor area [did I say this place is really fucking confusing?].  I wandered through several doors and found myself outside and surrounded by smokers [each one sitting under a no smoking sign].  I entered another door and found myself in the Centre.

The Centre is like a large indoor shopping centre, though all the shops seem to be medically inclined.  They were all Weight Loss Clinics, Laser Eye Clinics, Pharmacies and the like.  The place was deserted anyway so I wandered on.  I passed through a deserted café area and found myself outside again.  I rested for a smoke under another no smoking sign.  My nerves needed settling.

I found another door and wonder of wonders – I found myself in the Clinic.

For some strange reason, the Clinic was well marked out inside and I found my area straight off.

Then it came to the leaving bit.

I left the Clinic and went through my smoking area and found myself in the Centre again.  I got lost.  I eventually found another door to the courtyard and found my way back to the hospital and after another half hour I found my car.  Then I realised I couldn't get out unless I paid for my ticket.

Naturally I got lost looking for a ticket machine but I found one eventually.  Seven fucking euro fifty!  For fuck's sake!  and most of the time I was paying for was time spent getting lost.  So there is method in their madness?

I finally got through the ticket barrier and drove up some ramps.  I drove around a corner and found myself confronted with another red and white barrier, and beyond that, massive steel gates.  I had used my ticket in the first barrier, and I couldn't turn around as it was all one way.  The only way was forward.

I had had enough.

I lost it.

I just drove at the barrier and to hell with my windscreen and the paintwork.

Just as I was about to hit the barrier, it opened, the steel gates slid back, and I shot out onto a main road, which caused some consternation.

I have to go back in a couple of weeks.

I'm bringing the SatNav next time.

The Beacon Centre

My approximate route to the Clinic with some meanderings omitted for clarity.

It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInPin on PinterestShare on RedditShare on StumbleUponShare on Tumblr


How to get lost in one building — 12 Comments

  1. Hi GD. The diagram looks like a woman attempting to reverse into a parking bay……

    We have institutions over here like that where you would think they belong to MI5 they are that hard to find. Only consultants could come up with something like that, or town planners.

    • Heh!  Men have been divorced or shot [or both] for saying less than that.

      I stick by my theory that the longer people are lost, the more they have to pay in parking fees.  I reckon about €5 of my €7.50 was time spent finding my way around.

  2. I thought you might like this:

    I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
    A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
    I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
    It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
    It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
    "It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
    It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
    It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
    It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
    And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
    I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
    It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
    It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
    Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
    I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.



    • Heh! That rings true.  My one even warns me of things I have already avoided.  Wouldn't be too sure about the "cleaning the house" bit though……

      • I was given a "Sat Nag" for a birthday present – it's just an imitation of the real thing, which plays a selection of annoying messages with a female voice.  I'll stick to my AA Roadmap, thank you very much…

        I included an "Irish" themed picture in Friday Funnies – especially for you.

    • A depressing film but a very accurate reflection of the state of mind of a lot of Irish these days.  Actually, the opening sequence in the office looked like it had been filmed in the Beacon – all glass and depressing.

  3. Grandad- Your post eerily reminds me of a reoccurring dream I keep having which, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I have spend numerous days/weeks in various huge-ish and confusing VA medical centers from Vermont to Boston, Massachusetts).

    I basically go through everything you wrote about with the exception that when I finally find the parking lot again–my car is not there. And when I go back in and finally manage to find a phone to call my wife, it never works and I end up wandering around this huge medical center until I finally wake up. And no, there's no punch line here. Just sayin'.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *