I watched the Eurovision thing last night.
I was knackered, bollixed and shattered after a hectic day and it was as good a way as any of forgetting the world and having a sneer at the same time.
In a way, I’m glad I watched because Ireland won!
Of course there are those of you who will claim that Denmark won, but that just goes to show you haven’t a clue how the Eurovision works.
The rules state that each year the host country has to outdo the previous year in sheer kitsch, extravagance and expense. It costs a fucking tanker load of cash to host the event and so we come to the second rule – do not, under any circumstances win the fucking thing as it will bankrupt your national television station.
Ireland used to be absolutely crap at the Eurovision as we came first on about six or seven occasions. Oh how the other countries laughed year after year as we were lumbered with the white elephant yet again!
We have improved now and have achieved the perfect placing. We manage to escape the ignominy of being disqualified in the semi finals and then achieve the ultimate spot that is the envy of every country in Europe – 26th out of 26.
The scoring was of course the usual fun-fest. It’s like watching a game of Pass the Parcel, where the parcel contains a live hand grenade. I don’t know what Denmark did to piss off Europe, but they ended up with the grenade and Ireland came out laughing. There are going to be some very annoyed phone calls today from one country to another – “Whey the fuck did you give us so many points, you bastards? What the fuck did we do to you? Just wait ‘til next fucking year!”
As for the music? There wasn’t any. Apart from one piece which caught my ear, but that wasn’t an entry so it doesn’t qualify.