The third switch
We have a freezer in the kitchen.
It’s one of those yokes that is hidden behind a wooden door so it looks like part of the rest of the kitchen, if you get my drift.
When you open the freezer door there are three little buttons and each one has a little light built into it.
The first one is the green one. That switches the freezer on or off and is therefore permanently emitting a pleasant verdant hue.
The second one is the alarm. If for any reason the power is interrupted for any length of time, the freezer emits an irritating buzz and the second button glows red. If you press it, it shuts the fucking alarm off and resets the whole thing. Being a somewhat rural spot and therefore suffering more than our fair share of power cuts, I am well used to this little bugger.
The third button was a mystery. There is no clue as to its function. It is either off, in which case it is easily missed or it’s on, in which case it emits a very pleasant orange glow. At one stage I developed a theory that it was some kind of defrosting thing so I pressed it. Nothing happened and the freezer continued to resemble the inside of an igloo, but the colour was very pretty so I left it switched on.
The other day I was going through some papers and I came across the manual for the freezer. It must have lain under the pile for at least ten years, but the mice hadn’t eaten any of the text bits so it was fine. I was about to cuck it back onto the pile when I remembered the third button.
According to the manual, the third button is a “fast freeze” function. If you want to freeze the contents quickly, this button overrides the thermostat and freezes the fuck out of the contents. And it had been switched on for about seven years…….
It explains a lot.
I now know why the freezer never shuts the fuck up. I now know why I always had to scrape about three inches of hoar frost off anything before I could even see what it was. It explains why the top drawer hasn’t opened in a couple of years because it was a solid block of ice.
I switched off the third switch and defrosted the whole contraption.
I then discovered a whole clatter of food I didn’t realise I had. Even after I chucked out anything with a sell-by date before 2005 there was still quite a stash.
At least I can use all the drawers again.
And I can now serve ice cream with a spoon instead of a fucking hammer and chisel.
Sometimes, just sometimes it pays to read the fucking manual.
It seems to be a 'man-thing' never to read instructions.
After 48 years, and numerous only partly assembled flat-packs, Himself has only recently discovered it pays.
Of course HE doesn't read them but he graciously lets me do it and 'suggest' to him what to do next.
As a mere woman I discovered the "Fast-Freeze" switch at least 25 years ago!!
"As a mere woman I discovered the "Fast-Freeze" switch at least 25 years ago!!" Well why the hell didn't you tell me about it then?!
Sorry GD, it never occurred to me you wouldn't know.
I'll try and do better in future.
Funny.
classic !
ROFL! It was many moons ago with a brand new microwave oven with way too many buttons that I learned to R.T.F.M. 🙂
What's a manual?
Have you never watched Fawlty Towers? [or Farty Towels, as they were named in one episode?]
Can one read a man from Barcelona, wouldn't he be in Catalan.
Read a manual? Who the hell came up with the name "manual" for the cursed things anyway? There's nothing manual about them. I have one them written in seven different languages. Talk about a fucking waste of paper. My favorite are the ones from Ikea with stick figures kicking the shit out of contraption from the devil. GD, you yanked my chain on this one.
You bring a flush to my cheeks…….
Did you get in and press the third button? Go on give it a go. Tell us if the light goes out when you shut the door too.
Tried that. Ended up in 2577. Do NOT wish to repeat the experiment.
P.S. They laughed themselves sick when I said that some people actually believed in Manmade Climate Change back in 2012.
I'll bet they all have mutated to have chimneys in their heads too. heh!
Ha! Now have you thought of cryonics – for herself! 🙂
Excellent thinking! 😈
Do women come with a third switch?
Just asking…
Yup. They call it the G-spot.
Ah yes, manuals. I have a sometimes (to me) surprising situation here in Greece, in that appliances I buy very often come with multilingual manuals. Now you would think that English being the generally accepted universal language, that there would always be an English version.
Wrong.
I have manuals in more than a dozen languages, none of them English. WTF? It's fortunate that I can read Greek, otherwise I'd be fucked.
Mostly, though, manuals tend to be an afterthought for me. I use them if I can't work out why the item is malfunctioning, despite my inspired efforts.
Everyone knows that manuals are for women, or for men as a last resort.
Bout a yoke a couple of days ago. Plugged it in and all was fine.
Later in a fit of boredom, unpacked the manual and read the installation instructions.
What I want to know is how I managed it in ten seconds. What did I miss???
Fuck Me….the thought of Greeks reading Manuals. Is this where Ireland went wrong?
Actually my best ever instruction sheet was packed with a large piece of computer equipment (HP I think). Having struggled to remove the equipment from the cardboard box I found a piece of paper under it warning that unpacking required two people and instructing how to hold it to lift the thing out.
Probably packed in Ireland.
My house has a third switch. It's in the living room and lives by the front door along with two other switches. The first switch turns on the overhead light, the second turns on the outside lights but the third…turns on…nothing. Since the neighbors haven't been looking at my house with an amused look on their faces every time I fiddle with the damn thing (they only do that when they look at me when I'm outside in the yard) I'm at a complete loss as to what it's for.
Considering my house didn't come with a manual I guess I'll never know. Perhaps I should ask my wife?
You'll probably find there is some poor fuck in Nebraska, or somewhere who is wondering why his power keeps going off and on?
Oh, that would be good. I hate to think all my fiddling has gone to waste.
Haha, very funny. You will probably notice a decrease in the electricity bill.
I generally follow the RTFM rule for most things, with the main exception being for items bought from IKEA. We rarely buy from IKEA but I have been asked numerous times by friends for help with the installation of their IKEA purchases. When I get there, they have generally over-rided their pathways by reading the garbage that IKEA claims are installation manuals. I just examine the pieces and work it out myself.