We have a freezer in the kitchen.
It’s one of those yokes that is hidden behind a wooden door so it looks like part of the rest of the kitchen, if you get my drift.
When you open the freezer door there are three little buttons and each one has a little light built into it.
The first one is the green one. That switches the freezer on or off and is therefore permanently emitting a pleasant verdant hue.
The second one is the alarm. If for any reason the power is interrupted for any length of time, the freezer emits an irritating buzz and the second button glows red. If you press it, it shuts the fucking alarm off and resets the whole thing. Being a somewhat rural spot and therefore suffering more than our fair share of power cuts, I am well used to this little bugger.
The third button was a mystery. There is no clue as to its function. It is either off, in which case it is easily missed or it’s on, in which case it emits a very pleasant orange glow. At one stage I developed a theory that it was some kind of defrosting thing so I pressed it. Nothing happened and the freezer continued to resemble the inside of an igloo, but the colour was very pretty so I left it switched on.
The other day I was going through some papers and I came across the manual for the freezer. It must have lain under the pile for at least ten years, but the mice hadn’t eaten any of the text bits so it was fine. I was about to cuck it back onto the pile when I remembered the third button.
According to the manual, the third button is a “fast freeze” function. If you want to freeze the contents quickly, this button overrides the thermostat and freezes the fuck out of the contents. And it had been switched on for about seven years…….
It explains a lot.
I now know why the freezer never shuts the fuck up. I now know why I always had to scrape about three inches of hoar frost off anything before I could even see what it was. It explains why the top drawer hasn’t opened in a couple of years because it was a solid block of ice.
I switched off the third switch and defrosted the whole contraption.
I then discovered a whole clatter of food I didn’t realise I had. Even after I chucked out anything with a sell-by date before 2005 there was still quite a stash.
At least I can use all the drawers again.
And I can now serve ice cream with a spoon instead of a fucking hammer and chisel.
Sometimes, just sometimes it pays to read the fucking manual.