Many many years ago, when God was still in nappies, we used to have a bank in the village.

Then the bank decided that profits were more important than customers so they closed it.  Nothing much changes, does it?

For a long time we had to do without ready cash, which didn’t bother us as we ran on the Barter and Tab system.  Barter was easy enough once we could all agree on what service was worth whatever goods in return, and the Tab system worked very well – we just ran up a debt in the pub or the shop or wherever and threw in a cheque at the end of the month.

Then they installed an ATM.  Once again the commercial life of the village changed gear as we now had a ready flow of cash.

Then they removed the ATM again.  The Hole in the Wall became a hole in the wall.

This caused a bit of confusion as some of the shops were getting used to being paid in cash and were reluctant to change back to the old ways.

Then they installed an ATM in a garage not too far away.

Things were getting really fucking confusing in the village now, with some shops actually insisting that we pay cash for goods, but we had a reasonably convenient source of the paper stuff, so all was well.

Then the garage with the ATM went bust and the ATM remains behind permanently closed shutters.

Once again the cash dried up.

We are getting used to paying for everything with plastic cards now.  We are virtually a cashless village.  However there are times when a few quid are handy as you don’t want to be using a credit card to pay for a box of matches or whatever, so for those occasions we use the Cash-Back system.

Occasionally however, the odd fiver here or a tenner there aren’t enough.  If you have ever tried bribing a member of our glorious police with a Mastercard or even a twenty-spot, you’ll know it doesn’t work and you are more likely to end up in deeper shit, so the odd fifty, or even the ton comes in handy.

I need cash now.

Which means my day of relaxation is going to be spent in the car trawling the countryside for a Hole in the Wall that works.

If the worst comes to the worst I’ll have to brave the joys of Skobieville.

Which usually means I pay more in fines than I have taken out of the ATM.

Fucking banks!