I was poking around on this laptop last night and discovered I apparently have speech recognition software on it.
Always one to try something new, I switched it on.
“Start” I said. It clicked on the Start button. I was impressed. I opened my text editor to see if I could dictate a letter to myself.
“Dear Grandad” I said. This confused it and it offered me alternative spellings of Grandad, such as ‘Granddad’. That annoys me when people haven’t the grace to know how to spell my name, so I told it the spelling was ‘Grandad’ and not to be so fucking smart. “What was that?” said the computer. I sighed.
I wasn’t sure what to say next, so I sat in silence for a couple of minutes. “Roman” it typed. What the fuck?
“Thank you for your recent letter” I said. “Thank you for your recent letter” it typed. At last, we were getting somewhere.
“Full stop” I said. “Bus stop” typed the computer. Twat! “Delete that” I said. It deleted it.
“Press enter” I said. “Rare centre” it typed. I sighed. It closed my browser. It was beginning to piss me off.
“Press tab” I said. “Gall stone” it typed. What the fuck?
“Help” I said. It opened the Help thing. Being a Microsoft thing, it was fuck all use to me. “Close” I sad. It closed Help.
“Show numbers” I said. It immediately covered my screen with numbered boxes. Now I couldn’t see what was under the numbers. I sighed. “What was that?” the computer said. “I fucking sighed” I said. “What was that?” the computer said. I sighed again. “What was that?” the computer said. “Go fuck yourself” I said.
Apparently it understood that.
I had to step away quickly.
I know computers take things literally but that was going a bit too far.
I don’t think my laptop will ever be the same again.