Surgery
I called down to the Doc yesterday in his professional capacity.
âHowya, Grandadâ says he, âand what can I do for you?â
âAh! You know how it is?â says I. âIâm in need of a bit of an overhaul. Maybe a change of oil and a new gasket?â
âAnything in particular?â
âJayzus! You were the one the other evening complaining about my coughing all over the pub.â
âTrue. Are you still smoking the pipe?â
âAh for fuckâs sake! Says he who is always bumming a light off me in the pub. If I quit the pipe, youâd have to quit the fags, or at least buy some matches.â I coughed, and a large green glob of sputum smacked off the wall.
âOh dearâ says he, looking at the wall. âBy the colour of that you have an infection all right. Letâs have a listen.â
He rammed a freezing stethoscope against my back which made me cough some more.
âYiz are only infeshtedâ he said. Thatâs the way he pronounced it â infeshted. âIâll give you some pills thatâll clear out the tubes.â
âThatâs greatâ says I. âThanks. Iâll see you tonight for a pint? Itâs your round.â
âFair enough. And by the wayâ¦.â
âWha?â says I.
âMerry Christmas.â
âWould you ever fuck off!â
— Later in the pharmacy —
âHowya,Grandadâ says Bennie the chemist.
âHowya,Bennieâ Says I. âHereâs a prescription.â
âI didnât know you kept horses?â
âNever mind that. Is it possible to drink and drive while taking them?â
âThereâs nothing in the book to say they canât be taken with alcohol.â
âThatâs grand so.â
âThere ya go.â
âThanks.â
âMerry Christmas.â
âWould you ever fuck off!â
Jeezus, and here I hurried over to see what the matter was (okay, so I haven’t been on the computer for the past day or so) and here you are with a chest cold. Were those pills really for horses. Really big ones that called for drinking a whole lot of water? If so, I’m afraid the old doc is aiming at the wrong part of your anatomy.
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Don’t go getting pneumonia now. I’m having a hard enough time trying to save up enough change to come over the big blue wet thing and pay you a visit so don’t be giving me any deadlines. Hope your lungs clear out soon and all that. (you will notice that I didn’t say Merry Christmas?).
Kirk M – It’s only a bit of a bug. I intend being around for a few more days yet, so don’t worry. I don’t think they are really horse pills, though the instructions do suggest I take plenty of fresh dry hay and abstain from steeplechasing.
And you did say it.
Would you ever fuck off!
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