Uses for a guinea pig
This is a simple question.
What use are guinea pigs?
Minnie Pig.
Minnie joined our happy clan about six months ago, and since then she frankly has done fuck all.
I grant you she eats a lot.
She also squeaks and occasionally makes a whirring noise.
Apart from that she just sits there.
When we first got her, I did some research as I knew nothing about the species. Apparently they are bred as a delicacy in South America, so I tried eating her. Unfortunately, she kept jumping out of the frying pan, so I had to abandon that one.
Then I read that they are used a lot for research, in laboratories. That sounded interesting so I devised a few experiments.
I tried making her smoke a cigarette. That didn’t do much apart from making her cough a bit. Now she’s on forty a day, and it’s costing me a fortune.
I tried some of our garden produce on her. She just put a silly grin on her face and started singing Leonard Cohen songs, so I had to abandon that one quickly.
I tried using her as a tennis ball replacement to add a bit of spice to my games with Sandy. That didn’t work either, as each time she landed, she started eating more of the crop and insisted on singing Leonard Cohen songs again.
I have tried using her as a paper weight, but she just eats the paper. She ate a fifty Euro note yesterday.
I tried feeding her some hormone tablets that I found lying around. She just started asking about the size of her arse, and demanded to go shopping all the time, until I weaned her off again.
I’m stumped. I cannot find a use for her.
Any suggestions?
I’ll try anything.
As long as it doesn’t involve Leonard Cohen.
They make a great replacement for a sponge when washing the car. Bring up a lovely shine and they dry quickly too.
Robert – Excellent idea. I’ll give that a try, thanks. I’m always losing my car sponge, too.
With careful adjustments to the amount of food, you can get their girth to match the inside diameter of various drain pipes. Simply insert, pushing with a stick if the fit is tight, then apply compressed air to force them through. Cleans the pipes very well. Some have suggested simply using a diet of bean and cabbages which will allow them to supply their own compressed gas. As an extra benefit the odor can be used to find leaks in the pipe.
You could just implant a camera in her forehead and a wireless transmitter in her tail and… oops!
Nevermind!
Bock is an LC fan, send her to him with a supply of garden produce. And I’d say there’s still probably plenty of THC in her droppings afterwards, so you could come up with a new drug smuggling scheme, output being not readilly identifiable as illegal by the authorities, but with the definite possibility of being called “good shit” in all truth!
Jim C – As Minnie eats nothing else but roughage, I’m surprised she hasn’t exploded by now. Come to think of it – I have never heard her fart [unless that’s what the squeaks are?]. I’ll bung her up a drainpipe and see what happens anyway.
The CIA – Guinea pigs don’t have tails. Heh!
Thrifty – That is a very interesting line of thought. There should be no restrictions on selling shit on the open market either [the farm up the road does it all the time]. Needs further investigation…….
Google “Richard Gere and rodents” That’ll give you an idea or two
Maxi – That was a gerbil, so you know where you can stick that idea!
ha ha shes so cute and very adorable wisg i had my very own minnie pig.
She is very useful, you just wrote a blog about her and got responses, perhaps your next book subject?
Yeah well what use are humans?
As a guinea pig “pet” I have to endure endless episodes of NCIS and American Idol on my owner’s TV, plus she babbles on the phone, has dramas with her hair, and her boyfriend snores.
Am I missing something?
Hi, Sighs, and welcome. What use are humans? Just tell me this – who is going to feed you? I love your site, by the way!
*what the fuck am I doing writing to a guinea pig? I’m cracking!*
That’s right sapien – I may be just a guinea pig – but at least I’m not crazy. As for the food – yeah like I am supposed to be so impressed when someone chucks a few leaves of lettuce at me – well thank you very fucking much – excuse me if I don’t pass you my Amex straight away with a fifty dollar tip. Geez!
Anyway – glad you liked the blog! I aim to please.
.-= >> sighs´s latest brainfart .. Billy the Bee goes psycho =-.
So you don’t like lettuce, huh? What do you fancy? Caviar? A nice chunk of [vegetarian] fillet steak? Minnie sends her regards, and says that you are obviously suffering from cage fever. She suggests you try being nice for a change, and to stop taking side swipes at poor Dumb Fuck.
Where’s the fun in that? 😛
.-= >> sighs´s latest brainfart .. Dumb and dumber =-.
I suppose you have a point. Or do you? Guinea pigs are sort of blunt at both ends…..
@ Sighs, your owner has good taste. Lol I try not to miss a single episode of NCIS, but I usually do.
I love your site, btw.
Welcome Gwen! A quick question for you – which site is it that you prefer? This one or Sighs’ one? Be very careful how you anwer.
*holds up the white flag* I am neutral Lol ^.^;
But in response to your question. Guinea pigs are good pets. Love-able and social, and often loud, but still nice companions.