Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one. [Oh, yes it is]
You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail. [not really] Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box. The letter was about love and sensations among people. [No. Actually it was about sex] The motto of the letter was like this «search for love and you’ll become happy». I liked this letter very much. There was a list of e-mails where I found yours. I decided to write you. Maybe you are seeking love too? [Yes, if you are talking about a bit of the other] Maybe it’s our destiny?
I do not know actually who was the person that had sent me that e-mail and how did he get my e-mail address.
I think it is not important. The most amazing thing is that I can write you. I would like to know more about you. [Eight inches, though I say so myself] Providing that it is me who is the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality. [Fire away]
My name is Irina. I am 30 years old. I have never been married and have no children. [Frigid or ugly?]
I am cute, calm, kind and sociable. [So far, so good]
I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of yours… [There is only one feature that matters] Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking for serious relations. [Fuck! We were doing well up to now] For me it means no deception, no double jokes. [Bollox!] I am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I hope you are searching for your love, too. [I’m trying to avoid her at the moment]
I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect seriously! [I am very serious about my rumpy pumpy]
I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find sport, [Oh shit! No.] cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy about housekeeping and house holding. [You can hold my house any time, Baby] I like tiding up [I have never tried that?] and general cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. [Yes!! Over the kitchen sink is nice.] I love changes. [Have you ever tried it on a combine harvester? Brilliant!]
I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I do not smoke or use alcohol. [But surely you have a cigarette afterwards?]
Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to learn more about you. [I told you – eight inches. But by now it’s nearer twelve.]
In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more precisely. [Ah! Who gives a fuck about them?]
Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of my life [Make that ‘body’, if you please] – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.
Please reply only to my personal e-mail
I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you better. [You shall ‘know’ me intimately]
Remember of me.
Your new friend,