I just had a browse through the things people are looking for on this site. 

It is quite a while since I did this, which is a bit remiss of me, because I like to think of this site as a public service.  If people are looking for answers, then I have an obligation to try to help.

The first thing that struck me is that there are as many people searching for Roisín Ingles as there are searching for Head Rambles.  I would like to make it quite plain that I am not Roisín Ingles.  There are some subtle differences between us, such as my beard [which is longer] and the fact that I’m not expecting twins, but I can understand peoples confusion.

So let’s have a look at the list:

[note the use of the colon!]

“read the small print”

Yes.  This is good advice, though when you are searching for that on the Interweb, I’d advise you to read the small print first.

“man married a cow”

Could be worse.  He could have married a bull?

“Sharon Ní Bheoláin pics”

Fuck off.  She’s mine.

“how can i stop my greyhound wetting her bed?”

I can answer this one.  Just get her to sleep on your bed.

“alternative methods to celebrating holy thursday”

The world is your oyster.  You could go out and get drunk?  You could marry a cow?  You could try to swim the Atlantic?  Have you no imagination?

“should i boil or bake the cow bone for my dogs?”

I would suggest frying it in a drizzle of virgin olive oil with just a garnish of rosemary.

“how to stop wasps from returning to their old nests”

Get a barring order.

“what does a healthy cock look like?”

I’m not really an expert on this, but I would imagine that if his eyes are bright and his plumage is glossy then you are probably OK.  Ask a vet.

“what bags do grandads carry around”

Apart from Herself?  None.

“damien rice wanker”

Fuck off, Twenty.  You have your own blog.

“i can’t afford to pay my television licence”

I’m sorry to hear that.  Flog your television on eBay and you’ll have enough cash for it.

“something killing something”

This is what I call a precise search.  Too precise for me to answer.

“grandad has a big dick”

Now that you mention it………  How did you know?  Is that you, Sharon?

“52 years old and still having wet dreams”

Good for you!  Don’t knock it.

“how to improve your aim”

Raise the seat and then stand with your feet each side of the bowl.  Squat if necessary.

“how do you make yourself have wet dreams”

Sleep in the bath, idiot.

“what’s a wanker”

Just look in the mirror.

“what kind of food makes you get thick”

I don’t know, but I think you have eaten some?

I could go on, as there are around 500 of them, but I’m getting dizzy. 

Social responsibility is a heavy burden.