Gormless is being given a chance to stick his nose into our private lives again.
I read that we have a Sustainable Development Council in Ireland. I don’t know who they are or what they do, but the are part of the government, so you can be sure they are another budget swallowing shower of useless, jobs-for-the-boys burocrats who justify their existence by coming up with shitty ideas.
Their latest idea, apparently is another way to cut down on greenhouse gasses.
They have come up with the idea that each adult should be given an emission allocation for the year.
I checked the calendar, but it is still December, and we haven’t suddenly jumped to the first of April.
I will repeat their idea – Each person will be told how much gas they can produce in a year. It needs repeating because it is frankly such a farcical idea.
At my stage in life and taking into consideration my love for Guinness and vindaloos, I am not behind the door when it comes to producing gas.
My emissions are the envy of the neighbourhood and are familiar to anyone within a half mile radius [beyond that, they can apparently be confused with jet aircraft or heavy lorries].
I have been known to waken the entire household with a well timed blast.
They are loud, frequent and sometimes pungent. Puppychild calls them my rudies.
I have few pleasures in live, and those that I do have I am loath to relinquish. I have no intention of giving up my Guinness, my pipe, my vindaloos or my flatulence.
Quite how the government are going to measure my emissions, I’m not sure.
Are each of us to be allocated a civil servant who will follow us around with their noses up our arses? Why not? They are damned well nearly there anyway.
Or will they produce some device that we keep down the back of our boxers [or knickers – yes.. women do it too, though they always deny it]? Presumably they would be some form of modified breathalyser that would scream when we passed our limit [or accidentally passed something a little more solid]?
Apparently if we fail to meet our annual allocation, we will be allowed to sell the surplus.
The corollary of this surely means that those of us who exceed our allocation will have to buy someone elses surplus?
That will cost me a fucking fortune!
Anyway, this shower of wankers and their nanny ideas are going to put this one to Gormless for his approval. He will love it. He will approve it. Tosser.
There will be one good side effect though.
We will have undeniable evidence that women do fart.
Sounds like a load of hot air to me.
Keiron – Those government groups are full of it. But so am I. 😈
I would suggest instead we eliminate the hot air coming from our politicians, but the lack of heat would probably initiate an ice age.
I think this is a great idea, it’s about time people started taking responsibility for their ’emissions’, particularly in the office I’m sitting in right now.
I wrote a spoof piece in October on budget proposals for 2010, it included:
“Green minister John Gormley unveiled his plans for a ‘personal carbon tax’ to be introduced as part of the budget. Minister Gormley said his party was committed to the philosophy “the polluter pays” and that it had become clear that some were responsible for considerably more carbon emissions than others. The Department of the Environment would be conducting an audit of individual lifestyles and would be proposing a levy on all carbon emitting activities. There would be a personal carbon emission allowance after which “people must accept that doing things like playing sports and breathing out a lot of carbon dioxide comes with a cost”. Mr Gormley said that “providing clean air was an expensive service and Government policy is to target resources at those in greatest need”
I never thought anyone would contemplate such measures!
Jim C – Or we could harness it to power turbines? Free electricity for the entire world?
Sexy – Are you not ashamed of yourself? It is extremely inconsiderate to subject your coworkers to your natural expressions?
Ian – I remember that. Did I post a comment suggesting that you might be giving the bastards ideas?
NaRocRoc – And some!
As a vegetarian, that’s me buggered.
Damn, please change the time on your server. I just re-read my comment, saw the timestamp and thought I could go home. Now I have to do a whole other hour!
Most embarrasing farts: I once attended a seance. You can imagine how quickly the mood changed when during utter silence I inadvertantly let one rip. Talk about waking the dead. The smell alone……
Jackmcmad – With a civil servant up your arse…. yes. You’re buggered. And I have no intention of changing the time on my server. It is my stance against all these fucking time changes they throw at us.
TT – Classic timing! My congratulations. I managed to drop a VERY loud one once at a funeral. I glowered at the bloke next to me [it turned out he was the brother of the deceased 😐 ].
Oh dear, Grandad. I checked back through the comments to discover that you did indeed suggest that I shouldn’t have written what I did. However, I’m sure they are capable of lunatic ideas without assistance.
Where will cows get the cash from ????
also, if you have a great tune and length to a fart, you should be commended for the mirth value it brings ?
Actually, (and I just know I’m asking for trouble here) the idea is that all importers of carbon based fuels would have to bid at auction for a set amount of carbon allocation. They in turn would end up passing on what they’ve paid by increasing the cost of carbon based fuels. The money raised would be passed onto all citizens/residents in the form of vouchers to be cashed in at the bank/post office. The money would pay for the increased prices of petrol and so on. Those who use less carbon based fuels would be pocketing the difference. And each year the amount available at auction would be reduced in line with our emission targets.
It’s actually not a very bad idea and quite a practical means to do something about our emission targets.
Ian – I knew it. I was all your fault.
Moon – I may take music lessons and then claim exemption for artistic merit?
Dan – Why not just put a tax of the fuels so users would pay it? Much, much simpler. Oh, wait.. they already do that.
Good grief Grandad. I live with a 22 year old male . . .we’d go over our quota in the first month . . [email protected]: and you think the Government doesn’t listen to you!
Don’t you mean that it’s “frankly a FARTcical idea?”
If it comes to pass, I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford the husband anymore.
Forget the pork, the financial crisis, the recession…this is what will render Ireland bankrupt. But hold on….the women of Ireland will of course then hold the economic power…how scary is that. Are we doomed?
Do women fart? Yes. Otherwise they would explode. Surely?
SHoop – I have it on very good authority [Herself] that women never fart until after they are married.
Sheesh, just when our own EPA comes up with the boneheaded idea of taxing our farmers for cow and pig emissions ($175 per year per dairy cow for example) the Irish government comes up with this little beauty.
So if some guy shows up at your door with a brief case sized piece of equipment with a 3 foot hose ending in a long narrow tube attached to it, I wouldn’t let him in if I were you.
And of course women fart…especially while in bed…and then they “inadvertently” fluff the covers in your general direction.
You’re satirical writing concerning the future is obviously very effective. Perhaps you should write another spoof of how the entire Irish government (with the exception of the few good ones of course) were first ones lined up against the wall and shot during Grandad’s underground “Purge Our Government of Idiots” (POGI) movement…
…uh…oops, sorry about that Grandad. I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to say anything.
“And of course women fart…especially while in bed…and then they “inadvertently” fluff the covers in your general direction”
Ah! You noticed that too?
I must try an article where the entire government are raped by a mad Arnold Schwarzenegger?
No sprouts for you this Christmas then, Hairy One – it could take you over your quota 😉
I live with three blokes and a greyhound. I’m going to be skint! My #2 son (who is reading over my shoulder) informs me that he once let one rip in the middle of an exam. Ah, motherhood. It’s so rewarding.