I have seen the future of TV….
For the last couple of nights I have had the great misfortune to see Tallafornian TV in action.
To this of you who have missed this great pleasure, they call themselves TV3 and are Ireland’s independent TV station.
A major chunk of them is owned by Granada, who in turn produce a lot of the popular ITV programs. So TV3 just run a simultaneous broadcast of the highly rated ones. This is a bit pointless as most people can receive ITV anyway. In between the ITV programs, they show the worst outcasts of American television.
Their presenters are the only thing going for them. The presenters are so appallingly bad that they are compulsive viewing. The male presenters all look like blokes who have failed their accountancy exams, and the female ones all look like they got bored with being hairdressers and decided to become TV presenters instead. And then there is Martin King.
Martin King is their Weather Anchor [or Wanker, for short]. He is like Pinocchio on steroids. He looks like he is constantly bursting for a pee. He never stands still, and never shuts up. He dances around waving at his fancy graphics, and when he has thoroughly confused us all, he goes on to show us photographs that people have sent in. And when he has finished that, he starts handing out birthday greetings. Yes. This is the weather forecast I’m talking about. Martin King is the ultimate in car-crash television.
Last night, I had the great misfortune to see Vincent Browne in action. Vincent Brown is a good newspaper reporter. He is also a good panelist. He is a shite interviewer. He looked bored, or hungover, or both. He constantly interrupted everyone. He tried to interview Father Brian D’Arcy. I don’t particularly like D’Arcy, but his heart is in the right place. But Brown treated him appallingly. I actually got the impression that there was a hidden agenda there and that Browne was trying to belittle him. Brown actually made fun of him which is not the job of an interviewer.
And then there are the advertisements. These are the cheapest, nastiest ones out. You know the type – dial such and such for ring-tones for your mobile, or dial this number to meet the girl of your dreams. They all seem to be for premium dial up numbers [Irish Psychics Live, for fuck’s sake!]. And the ad breaks are up to American standards. They barely squeeze the programs in between.
So what is the point of TV3? Its programs are crap. Its presenters are crap. It’s all ads anyway. They haven’t even got the hang of wide-screen television yet. Are they in cahoots with the Catholic Church and we get a Plenary Indulgence for watching?
I’m going to get that remote control back tonight even if I have to kill Herself to do it.
And now, I’ll leave you with the weather forecast.
Bloody hell Grandad, don’t rouse the ire of Irish Psychics Live, they’re more powerful than the scientologists. Why, I bet it is their psycho-kinetic powers that deposit the out-sized poo at your gate on a daily basis. And they all look like Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone.
Ah now Grandad, leave Vincent Browne out of this.
He may not be in Des Lynam’s league when it comes to presenting but he seems to be one of the few people in this country who can make the slimy fuckers up in Leinster house squirm a little.
His scatter gun approach means everybody is fair game for his ire. A few weeks ago he had reps from FF and FG (their names escape me now) on the show to discuss the finer points of Berties
ropey as fuckerr… interesting… finances. The FG head looked to be chomping at the bit to get stuck into Bertie and FF… when Vincent turned on him and began grilling him on the amount of money he had spent on his campaing for the local elections, accusing him of essentially buying the seat. Caught him completely on the hop and no amount of “I came on here to talk about..” would wash with VB.You never know where he’s going to strike next and it makes for great viewing.
Aaaargh! Martin bloody King. My wife can testify that, when that muppet comes on, I jump on the remote faster than I would a hundred euro note in the breeze. On the plus side, he may act as a cautionary tale such that RTÉ won’t again try to introduce non-meteorologists for their forecasts.
I just watched the clip, now I’m off to take some motion sickness pills and start my day. Thanks so much for sharing.
Grandad,
To be fair to TV3, I don’t think they have much money to do anything with. RTE have the market so rigged that they get the TV licence money and the bulk of the advertising revenues, leaving the TV3 operation at a cardboard and string level. Combining RTE dominance with the impact of satellite channels, I don’t think they have much chance of ever being a significant broadcaster.
What’s the point of weather forecasts in Ireland, anyway? It’s either rain with cloud or cloud with rain, with the chance of some occasional sunshine.
Does anyone watch Channel 6? We don’t have cable, so I’ve never seen it. Is it as bad as TV3?
Thrifty – Those ‘psychics’ know as much about the future as I do. They’re just bored housewives doing a part time job, reading from a script.
TBA – I take your point. He is good at keeping them on the hook, but he is very bad as a presenter. He looks as if he’s half asleep and can’t wait to get back to his cocaine/whiskey/bed [delete whichever applicable]. He should watch Jeremy Paxman a few times.
Andrew – I find he is compulsive viewing. I used to switch over just to watch him, he is so bad. He has a squirm factor that is off the scale.
Sorry S Mum, but you were warned.
Ian – Don’t be making pathetic excuses for them. If they can’t afford it, they shouldn’t be on. The only thing I’ll say in their favour is that Channel 6 is worse. [Now available on all good Sky dishes!] If I want unadulterated American crap, I have hundreds of other satellite channels to choose from.
Really? I thought that was the “other premium numbers”. Perhaps they double up? Do they ever loose track of which they supposed to be doing?
Have you not have an Off button?
Thrifty – They all go to the same place. It’s the same bored housewives who do the whole lot. The mind boggles!
I was going to ask if anyone watches Channel 6 but Ian beat me to it.
I’ve often seen the listings when browsing through the menus but I have yet to see something there of interest to me.
Most channels are crap though. Sky one should be renamed “The Simpsons Channel”, Sky news should be renamed “Sky anything but news” and all that seems to be on E4 is Friends!
I don’t bother watching T.V. much anymore. Instead I wander around the web leaving comments on blogs etc. etc. etc. 😐
Grannymar – No. I not have an OFF button. Herself has appropriated the remote control. Anyway, then I’d have nothing to write about today?
Robert – I noticed that! There are about five or six programmes a week that are worth watching on the five hundred or so channels…..
There are a great number of people who swear ‘I don’t bother watching T.V. much anymore’, yet they cannot live without TV. Is the fun found in channel hopping and not watching?
Grannymar – The fun is in watching, and then blasting them in blogs and the like 😉
Ooh feeling a bit queezy now!
Being an early riser, Sunday morning here is the worst. American Evangelical services and Hillsong feature on 3 of our 5 channels! “Lord be praised . . ” The other two insist on half hour advertorials of a product that cure’s Jessica Simpson and P Diddy’s pimples! I am less of a vidiot these days and more of a bloggiot thanks to lousy TV. Everything sounds better in an Irish accent mind!
Baino – Wouldn’t you fancy watching him every night 😉
We have somewhere around 500 channels here, maybe more [I haven’t counted them in a while]. A block of them are wall to wall God Botherers. We also have channels dedicated to wine, teachers, selling crap, moving house and foreign holidays. About the only subject not covered by a dedicated channel is blogging. Be thankful for small mercies!!
I, like Baino get an entire array of channels on my TV. All six of them!
Two channels I don’t watch, CW and ABC.
On NBC I only watch The Tonight Show, occasionally.
On PBS I watch a couple of their documentary, historical and scientific kinda’ shows.
Fox has ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader’. I like that show.
CBS on the other hand has sucked me in. I watch my local 6pm news and their national news also. I enjoy cursing and swearing at Katie Couric. I do it quite a lot.
CBS has also resumed a show I like called Jericho. Don’t call me between 2200 and 2300 Tuesday nights. It has replaced the 24 in the TV mythology of my mind.
Also CBS has a show that comes on WAY too late at night, 0030, called ‘The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson’. He is too too funny and on late enough at night that he doesn’t have to be politically correct.
So unlike those that come home from work and immediatly turn on the vidiot box I try to be somewhat selective in what I watch.
The kids at the used DVD store know me by name. Maybe I go there too much. Ya’ think?
you should try Argentinian TV. Now I speak reasonable Spanish mind, but they talk gibberish at 110 miles an hour, 24/7 here. The weathermen don’t get paid too much though, as it’s fairly easy and cheap to find someone to say “Manana es Scorchio!”
Brianf – You should try watching our version of the Late Late Show. It is the only chat show in the world that is presented by a Plank. It would turn you off the vitiot box for life.
DVDs are very bad for you. Unless of course you copy them and sell the copies down the pub, in which case they’re very good for you.
Welcome Quickroute! 🙂 I don’t speak a word of Spanish, but âManana es Scorchio!â?? I think even I can understand that! Nice one!!
What’s a fifth grader?
What the fuck flew up your ass??? What I see in TV3 is quality production for little money, unlike rte who pump ten times the amount and produce tripe such as “Your a Star????” as for the presenters. Martin King does nothing wrong but ad colour to something that is normally dreary and boring. You just personally abused the guy too so i know you don’t personally know him as if you did you wouldnt say that. Get a life CUNT.
as for the rest of the presenters. They produced some of the top presenters in ireland, would you prefare Ryan Tubardy or Pat Kenny???? paid more money PA than TV3 makes. so get rid of the grudge(probably because they fired your Ma as a cleaner for steeling cultery) and climb out of yoru own ass…
Hi Dars, and welcome.
Just out of interest – How come you found this post by Googling “tv3 vincent browne is a wanker”? A strange thing to search for if you are such a fan?
From the tone and content of your comment, I would normally assume that you work for TV3. But then I have seen your e-mail address? 😉