Come on baby light my fire
I have done it again.
We have a very nice central heating yoke in the kitchen. It looks exactly like an old log burning stove. Except that it burns kerosene.
It has to be lit manually, and that is very simple.
All you have to do is open one of the regulators [there are two burners] and wait for a minute or two until enough kerosene has trickled in. Then you set fire to it, and it makes a nice mellow blue flame.
We left one burner on all night, to stop the icicles forming on the beams in the kitchen. Earlier, I was feeling a little chilly so I thought I’d light the second burner.
I went over, opened the regulator, made myself a cup of tea while the oil trickled in and you can guess the rest……
I just noticed a rather strong smell of kerosene. Sh*t. I forgot to light it again. I went over, and sure enough, there is a quarter inch of kerosene just about at boiling point at the bottom of the burner.
In the early days, I used to follow instructions. These said that if a burner filled with neat kerosene, you have to switch the whole thing off, let it cool down, and then ladle out the kerosene. This is an extremely difficult and very messy job.
So now what I do is simple. I light it.
It goes off with a lovely whoomph! Then when I close the fire door, the draught takes hold. I get a yellow flame that roars up the chimney like a blowtorch. It makes a peculiar noise, like a banshee giving birth, and looks like an F14 on full afterburner.
I just hope it’s scaring the sh*t out of the builders next door.
They’re annoying me again.
In most places in Canada, we have natural gas. My father owned a plumbing and heating company and when I was a young one, he would put me to work acting as a go-fer for the guys.
We were working on a boiler in an apartment where a gas valve had to be replaced. As I “remember” it, I was acting like a nurse in surgery handing tools to the “doctor” where he then replaced the valve and then turned on the gas.
I could smell the gas and figured it was time to clear the room. Because I knew what the journyman was going to do. Instead of using soapy water to test for leaks, he took out his lighter.
As I was making my way to the exit all I remember is a big WHOOMP and flames going over my head. All I can remember and it still brings a nasty smile to my face is the look on that jack asses face. He was still crouched over the valve, hand shaking and STILL holding the lighter and his face was whiter then my butt.
He still owes me big time to this day, when my dad called me into his office, closed the door and asked me what happened. All I could say was that I didn’t know, as I was on my way out to get some pipe for the guy. “Must have been a bad valve I guess”.
Attaboy! Safety is for wimps.
Cranky – I have nothing but sympathy for the bloke. That may sound strange, but one of these days I must tell the story of how Herself blew me up.
It is a very unusual experience being in the middle of a gas explosion!!!
Guess she didn’t try hard enough on you. But my house elf tried to tried to electro-fry me. Just after I told her to NOT touch the switch. I would have flown 30 feet if it wasn’t for the cement wall to stop me. So instead of blackened finger tips, I got a dislocated shoulder.
I would have said something to her about it, but she is a chef. And she has knives. And she knows how to use them.
They say that most accidents happen in the kitchen? That’s because that is where the wives tend to hang out. My missus has four frying pans, supposedly for cooking for the two of us, and a lethal block of knives – I think that speaks for itself. I think the gas was an experiment. She hasn’t tried electricity. Yet.
That holiday kitchen SNAFU was gas alright!
Everybody close your eyes and try to imagine what Grandad looks like with a bald face. Funny, right? Not when you have to sacrifice your slush-puppy for the burns victim! Selfish parents indeed.
K8 – That wasn’t a normal SNAFU. That was deliberate. I shall tell the story to the rest of you anon. If you’re interested, that is?
Back in my student days one of the lads blew up the oven that way. It was electric. However it was not cleaned very often, with a consequence that the grill had a significant collection of “dripping”. One of the lads forgot to turn off the grill after cooking his dinner, after about half an hour I said “Beave” because that was his nickname, “What’s burning?” to which he replied “Ah shite, I forgot to turn off the cooker”. Now, opening a sealed container full of vaporised fat at or above it’s combustion temperature has …. consequences. If you’ve seen the movie Backdraft that will give you an idea of what transpired, only on a somewhat smaller scale. RIP oven. Beave was unharmed.
There is nothing like a fluid or vapour that is just on the point of ignition. As I said, it doesn’t go bang – it goes whoomph!
Did Beave not lose any hair? He should have. Lessons need to be learned…….
luckily it was a “kitchenette” that required the door to be opened whilst standing to the side. The glass front shattered and hit the wall, not Beave.
Sounds impressive!!
If there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s this: on no account should you attempt to replace the fuel tank of a motorbike in your living room.
….. while warming yourself in front of an open fire, and smoking a cigarette.
Did the insurance pay out, Bock? And are you keeping warm in the tent??
Holy crap Grandad! Be careful, world governments don’t like having their satellites knocked out of orbit by flame throwers.
Apocalypse Grandad, in theaters next week…
Do you notice there is a very blokey trend in relation to blowing things up kitchen or otherwise? The only explosions in our house have involved a male combining a series of pool chemicals and vinegar to make an explosive, forgetting the gas jet on the BBQ was turned on and singeing his eyebrows as he lit it and dousing a huge bonfire in the back paddock with so much petrol that it goes off like Mount St Helens and alerts the local fire brigade to our illegal activities!
. . I’ll stick with me kitchen knives! Quieter and less messy if used properly.
SandH – That is a damned good idea! If I got one of those vector nozzle thingies off a fighter plane, I should be able to shoot down aircraft?
Baino – Don’t start that womany thing again. Women are quite capable of generating a good bang, fire or [as the curry the other night proved] poisonous gas…. If I think of it, I’ll tell you about Herself and her attempt to extinguish me anon.
There is no known way to work on a motorcycle without a cigarette hanging from your lip.
Or a pipe. Now there is a trick I used to be good at – driving a motorbike while smoking a pipe!!
My youngest went to help me vaccuuming when he was about three or so….did fine until I noticed the motor running without him. I went to pick it up and got an electric shock! That’s when I realized he had sucked up all the water from the dog’s bowl…It was the last time I asked him for help in the house!
Geez! What did I tell you about playing with fire?
Cut that out. You’ll scare the Gardai.
Toniimarie – You have a very intelligent boy there. Three years old, and already he has discovered how to get out of housework for life!
Brianf – Fire is fun. Anyway, you can talk!!!