Wherefore art thou, Ron?
I went for a pint last night.
The place was full of tourists, and they seemed to have driven the regulars away. I blame the sunshine.
Anyway, I sat outside on the bonnet of a brand new Land Rover Discovery that was illegally [and very badly] parked outside the pub, and enjoyed my pipe and pint as the evening settled in.
I was idly doodling on the paintwork of the Discovery with my car keys, when a couple of other smokers came over for a chat.
They were American, but apart from that they were a pleasant enough couple – Bill and MaryJayne from Lawnton near Harrisburg PA [or so they told me]. They chatted away and I listened. I missed Ron. Ron could be bloody irritating with his yacking on about web sites and football, but it would have been better that being told all the time what a wonderful country I live in.
They offered to buy me a drink. Things looked up. In fact they bought me a few.
Then Mick came over with the tray of drinks and said “there you go, Grandad”.
MaryJayne lit up. “Hey!” says she “Are you the guy who writes that Head Rambles thing? We love that. It’s so funny the way you rise us Americans.”
I admitted I was. I hate that. I like my anonymity. I cursed the odds that had placed them there. With odds like that I should be winning the lottery instead of having my ears bent.
They waffled on and on about how amaaazing it was to meet me and all the things I had written and wasn’t it a scream how I had invented this joke about shooting tourists.
“It is just a joke, isn’t it?” said MaryJayne and went off into shrieks of laughter.
I assured her that it was.
I offered them a lift back to their Bed and Breakfast place. They accepted.
As it happened, it wasn’t far from the landfill site.
Big mistake, Grandad. Americans aren’t biodegradable. You need a special license (other than a gun license) to dispose of them.
Hey, if I ever get back to Ireland (not a sure thing at my age), I’ll look you up and buy you a few pints. However, I’ll have to sit inside; I liked the fact that the pubs are now smoke-free!
Here’s to international understanding!
Seniorwriter
Sneezy – I am an expert in this area. I can guarantee that Americans are as biodegradable as the rest of us. However they do tend to leave inordinate quantities of penile implants and boobs lying around after.
And it’s ‘licence’ not ‘license’. You are being infected with their damn spelling mistakes.
Marlys – You are more than welcome, and so are the pints. However, you miss the point of a pub. It is supposed to be smoky. All the pubs smell of now is stale beer, the barman’s B.O. and the gent’s toilet.
Anyway – you have to admit that pipe smoke is different?
Sure, you’re rude to Ron when he’s around!
Were you aware that the Government have a master plan to keep all tourists inside a new Pale? It’s called Luas works. Your friend Dick will be kept south of the Co Dublin border by a project to close the M11.
http://www.transport21.ie/PROJECTS/METRO_-_LUAS/Luas_Line_B2_-_Cherrywood_to_Bray_Environs.html
Ian – I was never rude to Ron. We may have had the odd slagging match that involved the police, but that’s called friendly banter.
So you have heard about my Master Plan? You have it wrong, but I will write more about that another time…..
Grandad,
Sneezy is right! Americans are hardy people and when deposited in a landfill have a half life of 2,500,000 years.
You’re better off letting them go back to Lawnton. Then they are off your property.
P.S. Is that Ron I saw on Big Brother 3 last night?
Nancy – Is that because of all the radiation you’ve absorbed over the years? I hear Bush flew a bomber up and down America the other day with live nuclear weapons on board. What’s he at now?
Grandad,
I don’t talk about our glorious leader!
BUT… I did re read your post and found a remark that I take exception to.
“They were American, but apart from that, they were a pleasant enough couple.”
Grandad, I resemble that remark. Take it back!!!!!
So? I’m saying there are pleasant enough people in America? Do you resemble that?
Incidentally, I hear your Glorious Leader has given the Australians the huff by calling them Austrians. Does that bloke even know where he is half the time???
Of course. You are correct: A license is for burying folk, whereas a a licence is for shooting them. How could I have gotten that wrong?
The erroneous whereas a a licence is allowed by virtue of poetic permit by the way.
They knew who you were and still got in your car? Dumb feckers! Can you please send me their sunglasses, it’s warming up over here and I’ve nothing to put on my head.
Oh but you bloody ‘Oirish only wish you could live in a township like Lawnton. I have it on good authority that this Lawnton is a very exclusive address to have in the Capitol City area. Not that Lawnton is expensive but rather one must prove that they’re totally cool to live there. They have a coolness test, apparently. Most everyone there is too too cool for 90210 or the Upper East Side or D4 or N. London or even St. Germain-en-Laye. I have it on good authority that a family of boneheads with a Land Rover LR3 were recently rejected. By the way 147 people who drive Toyota Prius’s were also denied.
Well, they had to go Grandaad, they discovered your secret identity.
Lawnton sounds like Ballybough in Dublin.
The dress code there is very exclusive, you wouldn’t have a hope in a Land Rover of any description, and D4s would be met with open scorn.
Baino – Sorry. The sunglasses went in with them.
Brianf – So you know Lawnton? I hope they weren’t friend of yours? But by the tone of your comment, I seem to have done the right thing?
B3n – No. They had to go because they were tourists, and they annoyed me.
Ian – Is that Ballybough, or Ballybrack?