An explanation
There has been some concern and confusion about my references to shooting tourists.
I had better explain.
Back in the early 80’s the Irish Tourist Board launched a campaign advertising the beauty and friendliness of Ireland as a tourist destination. Unfortunately, they were somewhat overzealous and this resulted in a tourist influx which was unprecedented. Within months, our roads were crowded, our scenic spots couldn’t be seen for the crowds and there was no accommodation left.
This left the Irish Tourist Board and the Irish Government in an embarrassing position. They couldn’t ask people not to visit, but yet the infrastructure was not in place to cope with the influx.
What was worse – some of the visitors decided that Ireland was such a beautiful place that they decided to settle here. This pushed land prices up to an extent that local residents were unable to live there any more.
The solution arrived at was to cull the tourists. Seal culling had led to a lot of adverse publicity for Canada, and it was therefore decided that tourist culling should be kept as quiet as possible.
Tourist culling was heavily regulated from the outset. It is a licenced sport, and the rules are strict. The culling of the young is prohibited as is the culling of fertile females. A kill must be as clean as possible. We didn’t want photographs of the Irish clubbing baby tourists to death on blood soaked beaches. I think the Canadians will testify to the undesirability of that.
Since then, tourist culling has become a popular sport. It is carried out in most parts of Ireland, though incidents are rare in the major cities, because of the danger to locals.
It is run on a points system, with maximum points going to a cull of tourists who are obviously contemplating buying land. It is a complex system of scoring, which I won’t go into now.
There have been attempts to outlaw the sport in recent years, as people are arguing that we now have the road and hotel infrastructure. However, we who enjoy the sport have taken the same line as the fox hunters in the U.K. – namely that it is now a rural tradition, and that there is no cruelty involved.
-oOo-
On a personal note, there has been some concern on another website that I may be facing a long prison sentence. This is not true. There is no penalty for licenced tourist culling. I was electronically tagged for a short while, while the police investigated my shooting of Ron. I have been completely vindicated and am back on the hunt.
Does the scoring system vary for the nationality of each tourist that has been culled?
I think someone down here has been over zealous as there has hardly been any tourists around this year.
As I say, Robert, there is a very complex scoring system. It is based on a combination of nationality and age. To give you an idea, probably the highest score you can get is to cull a North Korean, of around 50 years of age who is hunting for a retirement property. Needless to say, they are extremely rare.
The lowest points are for elderly Americans who are just here to research their ancestry. Common as muck.
Ha ha! Brilliant 🙂
Great satire! I was an American tourist in Ireland this spring, and as far as I know, no one planned to shoot me–but then, I have no intention of settling there, even though I loved your country.
My impression in Ireland and all over the world has been that while some American tourists may be “Ugly Americans” who misbehave, most countries really welcome our financial contributions. Our “greenbacks” and credit cards make up for a lot of our shortcomings.
By the way, I’m a great fan of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”
Seniorwriter
Long runs the fox…
The men in the white coats are on the wander..
Would a strait jacket suit you?
Hi Marlys. I’m glad you made it out of here in one piece. Actually, all visitors are more than welcome here, and I hope you enjoyed your stay!
I hadn’t read “A Modest Proposal” before, but have now [the joys of the Internet!]. That Swift fella is ripping off my ideas!!!
Grannymar – you are determined to have me locked up in one way or another. What have I ever done to you? Yesterday, you tried to convince my daughter that I’m to be locked up for life. Now you are condemning me to an institution.
I’m beginning to take this personally.
grandad in the interest of determining my worth on the point scoring system.
What is a giant Canadian of 38 years worth? And is there bonus points for trophy size?
As I said, Sean, it is complex. Your age is good, And being Canadian scores a lot higher than an American [be sure to carry identification, as the two are often confused].
Size does matter, as we get a kick back from the airlines. They re-sell your return ticket, so if you had to book a double seat on the way over…….
Do you bow hunt,can you use bait to draw them in,and how about traps.Also do you dress like a tourist,as camouflage.
Bow hunting is popular. I like to use the crossbow myself sometimes, as it is silent [apart from the odd scream].
Traps and landmines used to be popular, but are banned now, as a few innocent locals were caught.
Bait would make it much too easy.
And we do use camouflage sometimes, but to dress as a tourist could be fatal.
Well I will admit to carrying more than a few extra pounds I was thinking more along the lines of more points for height or the fact that I have a truly magnificently large skull.
It would make a nice display on your trophy wall and you might even be able to pass it off as belonging to a neanderthal you discovered in the bog
Sorry, Sean. You don’t get extra points for being ugly.
Herself made me take the trophies down anyway. They were beginning to smell a bit.
Just curious, how do you distinguish between a local and a tourist?
no extra points for ugly!!!
well thats me sunk
Paul – We have our methods,but obviously I can’t divulge them. It would spoil our fun.
Sean – Don’t let that put you off coming….
ive already been and I am not really your touristy type of tourist. I dun wander around with a guide book and a camera slung round my kneck going OOOOOh AHHHHHH.
I am the kind of tourist who likes to sit with a coffee or a pint and quietly read a book while minding my own business. Kind of lets me blend in…… well except for the giant thing and the ugly thing. Lets me get noriced while allowing me to avoid most tourist hunters
Sean. You may get away with that. We tend to err on the side of caution, for obvious reasons. But it only takes one slip – not letting your Guinness settle enough, or blowing the head off before drinking the black stuff….
In the meantime, if I see a really ugly big fella having a coffee and reading a book in my village, I’ll buy him a pint.
A little prison time never hurt and I’m sure Grannymar could use a break.
Careful, Micki. You are making the old mistake. Grannymar is no relation. She just fancies me like hell. She’s a cyberstalker. I am shackled to Granny [Herself] who, thankfully is a different person altogether. I think.
Why do you want me to go to prison anyway?
Do you have undercover agents who tip you off when a particularly desirable specimen is about to invade your shores?
Will I be a marked woman if it becomes known that my husband is a bodhran player in the US?
Diane – you really should not have mentioned the bodhran. That was a big mistake.
Normally we take pot luck with our pot shots. The finding and the stalking is half the fun.
In your case, however, I’m afraid we will be keeping an eye out. As I said – you shouldn’t have mentioned the bodhran.
ouch. thought Ireland was a lovely country . Didn’t realize the locals felt so about the tourists. Sorry we are so horrible. Won’t bother coming back. (insert tears running down once proud irish-american face here)
Angela – I am extremely sorry about this. Please believe me when I say there is nothing personal about it. I’m afraid the blame for the latest is squarely at the feet of your beloved president. He is the one who started the War on Tourism back in 2001.
sorry too granda, I didn’t vote for him 😉 Can’t wait to revist. Love you all!
Hhheelllll oooo !!!! Grandad!!!
Good fun, war on tourism blog.
my t shirt ‘ Canadian Girls kick Ass’ at Brittas Bay Beach Wicklow County, musta been a dead giveaway that I was a tourist. my russian and german friends and myself are safely back in the UK. Had a very nice time at Don Loaghaire.
Hi Canada,
I’ll have a word with my daughter K8 the GR8 about this. Brittas Bay is her area at the moment. She is obviously slacking…..