I have been a pipe smoker all my life. Well, actually I think I gave it up once, somewhere around Junior Infants, but it didn’t last long.

Other people enjoy it too. Many’s the time people have said how they like the smell of pipe smoke. Unless of course I have run out of tobacco and am smoking tea leaves, in which case they moan a bit.

A few years ago, the pub in our village was repainted. The smell of paint was terrible for about a week. They pleaded with me to sit there and smoke away because I masked the smell. [I presume they meant the pipe, not me personally.] Free pints for a week. Who says smoking is unhealthy?

Then the Health Nazis came along.

First I wasn’t allowed smoke in the office. No problem. It gave me a chance to slope off every ten minutes. Genuine excuse – “Goin’ for a smoke, Boss”.

Then the real killer came – no more smoking in pubs. Now that was mean and viscous. I had to give up the drink. And I enjoy my pint. No one asked for this ban. It was dumped on us by a minister because he wanted to be smug in Brussels and do something they hadn’t asked for either [“look how progressive we are in Ireland”].

I know I’m going to get a lot of do gooders here saying that smoking is unhealthy and we must think of the staff and other customers and secondary smoking. Rubbish. Most of the crowds outside the pubs these nights are the staff having a quick puff. And if you like fresh air so much, then go sup your pint on the top of a mountain. Or if you are so worried about the state of your health, then give up alcohol. It’s bad for you.

If I do want a pint now, I either have to sit in the pub and suffer the stench of air freshener, stale drink, bodily wind and the odd waft from the toilets, or I have to sit outside and freeze among the used kegs. And they wonder why the pub trade is falling off.

I feel very sorry for you smokers in the U.K. You haven’t a clue what is about to descend upon you in less than seven months [unless, of course you have been to Ireland recently].

But now I have seen the latest thing the Health Nazis have produced.

They have invented a device that detects a cigarette being lit!

Apparently smoke detectors aren’t enough, and you aren’t supposed to put surveillance cameras in toilets [hah! I wonder how many companies obey that rule!!]

Now, if they invented a device that detected a paedophile unzipping his trousers, then that would be something. But this is ridiculous. I can just see the Nazis sitting in their control room waiting for some poor bastard to light up so that they can go down and beat him to a pulp [but it’s for his own good of course].

I quote from their blurb – “Our STEALTH smoking detectors are truly unique devices. This is truly innovative technology where the device is not really a cigarette smoke detector but more of a cigarette smoker detector.”

Or worse – “Our high tech system(s) actually transmit the alarm via a wireless transmitter to an intelligent receiver that determines which bathroom or area is signalling and in turn transmits a coded pager message that ‘Someone lit up in Bathroom Number 16’ and the enforcer or his delegate can take immediate action and visit the bathroom where the infraction has occurred. The smoker is amazed that somehow he got caught! What a beautiful thing?”

And a footnote to their blurb – “We’re the company with the sunny disposition.” Wrong! You are the company with warped sadistic sanctimonious smug disposition.

I’m not going to give their web address as I don’t want to encourage the bastards. I actually got it off my own Google Ads!

As a matter of interest, what is wrong with smoking in the toilet? Are they worried about passive smoking there? Where I come from, people do not linger in toilets, unless they are up to no good, or are George Michael [or are having a quiet smoke]. And when do you go into a toilet, what are you breathing anyway? I’ll tell you. Aromas that have originated inside other people. Stale piss. Farts. Rancid turds. Lovely!

Give me tobacco smoke every time.