Having sex with a donkey

Death is like paying a bill – you know you have to pay but put it off for as long as possible.

As a result we as a species are somewhat obsessed with longevity.

I am somewhat bemused by this.  I don't want to live forever.  I imagine it would get tediously boring after a while and that is assuming I maintain the physique of a thirty year old.  In practice, the older we get, the more we tend towards being a drooling incomprehensible heap in a wheelchair which doesn't strike me as a particularly great ambition.  There is also the small matter of financial support – if pension funds suddenly found themselves having to provide a living wage for an additional fifty years the system would quickly collapse.

Yet gubmints everywhere are doing their level best to force us into Homes for the Ancient and Bewildered.  We must live longer they scream, and introduce Nanny Laws to force us down that path, even though that requires those extra years to be dull, colourless and humourless and ultimately utterly dependent on others.

Whenever the meeja finds someone who has survived for a particularly long time, the love to descent on the poor wretch and ask the same old question – "to what do you attribute your longevity" [or words to that effect – tabloids tend to be more monosyllabic]?  The poor wretch is then expected to tell us that they never took salt or sugar, and of course never smoked or drank.  Doubtless if they do confess to being a fast food junky on sixty fags a day then the story won't reach print.  It's a fucking stupid question anyway, as these people just lived their lives without any quest for beating old age.  It's like asking me why I wasn't run over by a bus yesterday.

A Japanese woman was asked how she lived to be 117.  She replied "Well, I don't know" which the reporter remarks is a "refreshingly honest answer" which shows that the reporter was actually expecting one of the usual trite and probably dishonest answers.

These people don't know how they lived so long.  It was something that just happened.  It was helped a lot by genetic makeup, possibly diet and definitely an infinite number of other variables which just happened by random chance to lead to a long life.  Most likely it is genetics.  It could well be the climate.  It could indeed be down to diet.  I could point out that the Japanese [known for their longevity] have an 83% higher smoking rate than us poor sods in Ireland [they rank 17th in the World of smokers while we are at a paltry 53rd place].  I would tend to believe that it's just one of those things with no answer.

In a way, I hope I do live to 117, or at least long enough to be asked that inane question.

I shall reply that I smoked, drank and ate what I liked and my secret is that I enjoyed myself.  And then I shall add as an afterthought that I had sex with a donkey every day and that that is the real secret [I didn’t, but they don’t know that].

I could die happy knowing that my legacy to the world was a generation of donkey shaggers.

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Having sex with a donkey — 17 Comments

  1. Lord Moran, who was for many years the personal physician of Winston Churchill, was asked by a journalist if Churchill's lifelong fondness for smoking cigars and drinking many glasses of VSOP brandy or fine Scotch whisky – and eating umpteen splendid dinners over several decades of public life – ever worried him about his patient's prospect of shortened longevity. "No," was the doctor's reply, "I just observe what he eats and drinks and do the same myself." Winston Churchill passed away at the age of 90 in 1965 and in 1977 Lord Moran gave up the ghost at the age of 95.

    • So presumably if Churchill had not smoked, not enjoyed a brandy or five and not enjoyed his meals he would have lived until…..  well, my guess is 90 or thereabouts.

      • A mathematical probability; but his nine decades were enhanced by regular indulgence in the good and expensive things in life. He was faithful to his wife Clementine and didn't run after other women – a life enhancing trait, as the bishop said to the actress.

  2. When my father, who was nearly old enough to be my grandfather when I was born, got back from New Guinea during WWII he was so messed up with the various diseases one finds in tropical jungles (while also suffering  from a bayoneted gut and a burst appendix) that he was given only 6 months to live–guaranteed. He also smoked until I was around 12 which would make him 55 at the time.  He died from congestive heart failure at the age of 84.

    Now all I had when I was a young-un I just had the usual childhood diseases plus a 3 year off-and-on bout of rheumatic fever of which I came out of mostly alright. Compared to what my father went through though, this was nothing and he lived till 84? That means one of two things then.

    1. I'll most likely live till 120.

    2. I'm the first one to comment on this post.

    Of course, I'm going to look damn foolish if I'm not actually the first one to comment on this post but I still might live till 120.

    And when they ask me what contributed to my longevity I'll just tell them I'm still a virgin. That ought to throw them.

    • Not the first to comment, but maybe the first to reach 120 [if I don't get there first].

      The whole life thing is like the war thing.  During the war, some got shot on their first day while others survived the most horrific attacks.  That wasn't down to anything other than sheer chance and luck.  The same applies to life.  I could go on a non-smoking, vegan diet and triple my exercising and could be hit by lightning the following day.

  3. And then I shall add as an afterthought that I had sex with a donkey every day and that that is the real secret [I didn’t, but they don’t know that].

    Only once a week then, eh GD?

    My father lived to the ripe old age of 96, and he was only suffering the effects of his age for the last six months or so, and even that wasn't too bad – it just meant he couldn't drive anymore and didn't get out much. But until then, he was living on his own (albeit close to my sister) and looking after himself. Unlike his son, however, he hardly drank (just social occasions), he didn't smoke (apart from a very rare cigar) and he watched his diet assiduously. Having said that, both his parents lived long and healthy lives, and my grandfather smoked and enjoyed the not infrequent pint, so I doubt that his life of moderation made a huge difference to his years.

    With regard smoking and longevity, I came across this some time ago:

    While this cannot really be considered scientific evidence, it is a fact nevertheless. The oldest people on Earth are all smokers.

    http://m.disclose.tv/news/The_oldest_people_on_Earth_are_all_smokers/106071#DTV

    Makes you wonder what's with all this malarkey about smokers dropping like flies in their prime, does it not?

    • Sorry to disappoint, but I never had it off with a donkey.  Maybe I'm missing something?  Am I?

      That link is a good one [though a little hard to read], and it asks the Big Question – what is a premature death?  If a smoker dies at 100, is that a premature death as he might have lived 'til 110?  No one knows our allotted lifespan so how can anyone say whether we die prematurely?

      • It's a shame that the authors of some excellent posts out there on the interwebby haven't developed their literacy skills further, as it rather diminishes the credibility of their subject matter, regardless of how factual the contents of the article actually are.

        • There are two problems with that page – one is that I find white on black much harder to read and the other is the size of the paragraphs.  Do site owners ever read their own stuff?

          • 🙂 Yes, I think a lot of people get carried away with the infinite colour combination possibilities that computers offer. I've been to some sites that were completely unintelligible because they had such headache-inducing layout.

            Less is more, as they say.

            And as for you, GD, the odd typo is normal, and to be ignored. As is grammar and spelling in comments – more important is the message. But I think that someone uploading an article dealing with facts and figures should take care that their layout, grammar and spelling are at least reasonable.

            • Ho Kay…  Been doing a little probing…. That page in fact was ripped off Forces' site.  Their page, while having fewer errors and a missing image or two, at least is black on white.  Maybe it's my turn to rip it off?  😉

              • Heh! Well, I think you'd make a better fist of it if you were to do so! There were a couple of paragraphs that had been pasted more than once. Sloppy! The (Forces) original may be a good addition to the now amalgamated 'Smoking Out the Truth' blog. It's an interesting article.

        • Yes.

          Thank you.

          I really needed to see that.

          I suppose he at least will ive to a ripe old age [if the Yanks don't shoot him first]?

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