I had a bit of a chuckle yesterday.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Boy (12) acted out scenes with girl in park, psychotherapist tells BBC

I must start by saying I have never even seen the book, let alone read it and I never will.  The same goes for the film.  I have too much respect for my literary standards.

A leading therapist said a 12-year-old client has confessed to acting out scenes from 50 Shades of Grey with a girl in his local park.

Fair enough.  It can't have been too bad if it was in a public park.  Now if it had been in a bondage whorehouse……..

Addiction psychotherapist Steve Pope spoke on BBC Radio Five Live on Tuesday and said in the last 24 hours he had been “amazed” by a discussion with one of his young clients.

He's an Addiction Psychotherapist and is amazed when he diagnoses an addiction?  Something weird going on here.

Talking to presenter Rachel Burden, Dr Pope described the destructive nature of pornography, particularly in regards to children and their exposure to it.

Ah!  So our Dr Pope appears to have a thing about pornography?  I can see where this is heading.

Dr Pope said: “To be blunt, we have had nightmares over the effects of 50 Shades of Grey and what children now think is normal adult sexual behaviour.

Wooaaa there!  We have been having nightmares about Fifty Shades?  The good doctor and his colleagues have been nightmares and not the patient?  I would suggest that Dr Pope have a quiet chat with someone professional.  I can send him the name of a good shrink if he's interested.

“Within the last 24 hours I have worked with a young man, a 12-year-old, who thought that 50 Shades of Grey was a normal part of sexual behaviour with a young girl.”

A young man or a 12 year old?  Make your mind up.  The Nanny State classes anyone under 18 as a child so they won't thank you for that little slip.

Did this kid read the book as an instruction manual?  Or maybe he is just a 12 year old who, like a lot of 12 year olds have a few misconceptions about sex.  Don't worry.  He'll grow out of it.

He later added: “We had a young man and a young girl acting various scenes from 50 Shades of Grey in a local park.

No mention of what the scenes were?  Did they sit side by side on a park bench and talk dirty for a while?  Did he offer to buy her a drink?  Or did they just play Doctors and Nurses as kids have done for generations?

“In my day a bottle of cider in the local park was the great experiment."

You sly little devil, you.  Does your mammy know?

“These days you have things like this happening because porn normalises taboo behaviour.

“What we are moving into is long-term effects of what they think is normal behaviour.

“It is probably one of the fastest growing areas of addiction and threats to our society known to Western culture.”

Stop right there!  You are miles too late in coming to the party.  Anti-smokers, anti-alcohol, anti-fat and a ton of other antis have gotten there before you.  Anti-porn is way down the queue. 

A survey for the counselling service Child Line suggests that one in ten children aged between 10 and 13 are worried they are addicted to porn.

Ah!  A "survey" "suggests" something.  I would put it to the good Dr that kids of that age aren't even aware what addiction is, unless they have been coached?  Childline would never prompt these kids, would they?

Dr Pope said: “The word addiction is a label; it is the compulsion that is the problem. It won’t affect everyone, or every child, but some will come across it who have addictive personalities and through the internet they have access to an instant hit.

Right.  So you do know what addiction is.  A label.  A "compulsion" to seek out porn is as natural as the birds and the bees.  In my day it was Health & Efficiency Magazine, but kids these days are spoiled for choice.  Lucky them.  Little boys are always going to seek out pictures of women's titties or woo-woos.  It's called puberty.

“The taboos get removed more and more and now we have 70 per cent of sex offenders using porn to pump themselves up to commit a crime.

Pump themselves up?  That is either an extremely bad or an extremely good choice of words!  Love it. 

However you have fallen into the old trap beloved of all crusaders.  You are implying that 70% of porn viewers become sex offenders, whereas the truth is that 70% of sex offenders like to look at porn.  Actually I'm surprised.  I would have thought the number would be higher.

“I don’t think we can provide complete protection but parents must be educated.

No.  Children must be educated.  Parents should be advised to put filters on their Interweb connection.

“Jamie Oliver did it with food and now we need to do it with this – take it into schools."

Aside from the fact that Jamie Oliver is just a limelight seeking little cunt, I think that's a great idea.  Issue porn in schools?  That way you can control it.

In response to a question about adults reading 50 Shades of Grey at home, he said: “If you are leaving literature like that around you have to certainly make sure that kids are aware of why you are reading it and what the affect is.

Aw fuck off!  I leave all sorts of interesting stuff lying around for the Grandkids to find.  It's one of the reasons they love calling.

And don't call it literature.  From what I have heard it's not that hectic.

“But 50 Shades of Grey is spoken about everywhere. It is the subject of jokes and conversation. Kids are inquisitive and their work-in-progress brains will go home and research it.”

You really need to change your friends, Doc.  I haven't heard mention of the damn thing in ages.  Nobody talks about it.  Nobody jokes about it.  This is the first time I have even mentioned it as far as I remember.  I really do urge you to go and have a chat with a professional, as you seem to be addicted to the subject of pornography, and you socialise in a very weird circle.

And kids doing research is a great thing.  It should be encouraged.  It is called education.  It broadens the mind.

You should try it sometime.