I have a wee problem.

You see, back on that fateful day when they removed the centre of my face they also removed part of my mouth. I don’t know if this was intentional and necessary or they just got carried away with the power of the scalpel, but there it is. Or rather it isn’t. I now basically have only half a mouth. The top lip is now a large bit shorter than the lower one, so the latter sort of hangs out like a wall mounted urinal.

This mouth deformity means I have become a very messy eater. I tend to dribble a lot and more often than not, half the mouthful of food will generally find its way back to the plate, or down the front of my sweater. Eating in public is to be avoided unless I’m trying not to impress someone.

The big problem to which I allude though is speech. Gone are my days as a fine orator when I used to impress a classroom with my clear diction. Sadly my teaching days are over. Likewise I would imagine that my singing days are over too but I haven’t experimented in that field.

Nowadays when I have something to say I have to plan ahead and mentally say the sentence while looking out for the stumbling blocks. These are any sounds that in particular require both lips such as M, P, B or V. They are the main ones though others can cause problems too, particularly when one has no teeth to speak of [note the pun?]. So when I have something important to say I first say it mentally at which point I can hear my mental voice clear as crystal, but then I open my gob and the thound that cometh out ith nothing like what I neant to thay. Ith just a meth of noise.

Herself is very patient. She frequently tells me that my speech is almost perfect and is improving by the day. This praise is somewhat diluted by her constant demands that I repeat what I was trying to say as she didn’t understand me the first time.

Life is a ditch thumtimeth..