Going on the dry
For some reason they wouldn’t allow me smoke my pipe in hospital.
This seemed a little counterproductive as hospitals are incredibly boring and stressful places. To relax with a pipe would have been conducive to a more rapid recovery, I would have thought,
Anyways, when I finally got home one of the first things I did was to look out my old friend, my Elie’s Curved.
I discovered I had a problem.
They had mangled my mouth to such an extent that smoking a pipe became problematic. However I stuck the pipe into my mouth, there was a difficulty in drawing on the pipe as there were too many leaks around the mouthpiece. Now a weaker willed person might have given up at this stage but I am made of sterner stuff. I will not be beaten by only having half a mouth. I persisted.
The strange thing was that I managed to find a way of forming an airtight seal around the mouthpiece, but the fucking pipe still wouldn’t light. I would sit there, flame to the bowl, sucking like mad but the pipe still wouldn’t light. And if it did, it would just go out again.
Being somewhat pig-headed this made me more determined than ever to find a solution.
I then had a Damascus moment. Maybe it wasn’t me? Maybe it was the pipe? I got out what I call my Gandalf pipe [which must be at least twelve inches long -it’s another of Elie’s masterpieces] and tried that. Success! For some strange reason it works.
One of the things I discovered with my experimentation is that I have become a dry smoker. Now, a wet smoker is one who smokes a pipe and ends up with liquid at the bottom of the bowl which is not conducive to a happy ending. It’s a waste of soggy tobacco for a start. I no longer have this problem. I can smoke down to the last shred. Happy days.
Maybe I should write to the hospital and thank them for curing my wet smoking?
I am a wet smoker as well. It is annoying but not to the point where I am ready to go to the same extent as you did grandad. (Pipe cleaners are pretty cheap anyway.)
We are renting our current home from our son and he would prefer that I not smoke a pipe in the house. After careful consideration I decided to go ahead with my current plan and continue smoking in the house. After all, in his younger years I fixed my fair share of broken windows, holes in walls, so on and so forth. A few years of pipe smoke, (Latakia heavy blends of course) seems a fair trade.
You need not go the whole hog. All you need to do is surgically detach your upper lip from your nose and remove about a third of the lip, and you’ll then be in the same boat as myself.
I trust your rental agreement allows for deductions for unreasonable conditions?
Falcon pipes were the way forward for me, and I seem to remember a famous Pipe Smoker of The Year turned up to the ceremony with one, which dismayed several hardened briar specialists! The bent stem was the best!
Peterson’s are quite good too, but a blast with an aerosol cleaner could clear a Falcon stem in seconds!
I also used to have great success with a ‘The Pipe’, which was made of a polymer, came in all colours, (mine was white), and had a graphite lining which stayed as dry as a bone! I think it was designed after a good Meerschaum using the same principle!
I started with a Ronson which had a great filtering system in the barrel. I also later got a Falcon or two. If I remember, both suffered the same design flaw – the thread on the bowl used to wear out. Elie has his own unique filtering system which leads to a nice cool smoke. I also love his designs which are really quirky.
I’m sure your local garage will oblige and blow it clear with the compressor – works on blocked hearing-aid tubes too.
That would not have occurred to me. I think I’ll stick with pipe-cleaners though.
I have been listening to the complete Sherlock Holmes stories on Audible (45 hours of listening). Pipe smoking plays a significant part in the stories and I am sure that Holmes would have been delighted to have been the owner of one of the pieces of Elie’s handiwork.
I came across an interesting essay on the subject of Sherlock Holmes’ pipe. Apparently he also was a churchwarden puffer.