I have a feeling this one is going to be difficult to write.

The main difficulty is that it is basically about something which I am having difficulty coming to terms with myself. As such I am going to write it pretty much as I feel it and that is not easy. Again, I am not fishing for sympathy but am simply trying to get some kind of order into the mental storm of fears and anxieties that are swirling around.

As some of you may have realised I had my meeting with the surgical team yesterday. As usual I [and Daughter] had the mandatory two hour wait but finally it was our turn. It was our fault as Daughter had to finish work before bringing me in so we lost our place in the queue.

“Great news” beamed Prof as I entered. Did he have a magic wand? Did he have a pill that cures cancer? Well no. but It was actually good news. The secondary tumor turned out to be a broken rib after all. There was no secondary. All clear. I still don’t know how the fuck I broke a rib without knowing it, as I can testify from bitter experience that there are few injuries as painful as a broken rib. That shall have to remain a mystery. Also I never asked why I couldn’t have been operated on sooner, it just didn’t seem important any more.

Anyways, the operation is scheduled for next Tuesday. It’s a big one – he reckons at around eight hours in theatre – and if you want the gory details, just do an Interweb search for Total Rhinectomy. After the operation it will mean a lengthy stay in Intensive Care – a week or more – during which time I’ll be fed through a tube down my throat, I’ll pee through a catheter but not down my throat and will have multiple needles and cannulars in my arms. Can a seventy four year old frame take that kind of punishment?

I will be honest here. I am scared. Prof says he is worried about me because I don’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation, but I do; I just don’t show it. Inside I was and still am a turmoil of feelings. They are going to rip the nose off my face and just leave a hole? I’m not in the least bit vain but the idea of going around with just a triangular hole in the middle of my face leaves me a bit squeamish. The only consolation I can get at the moment is to look in a mirror and realise that a hole is probably preferable to the existing abomination. There is also the blissful thought of losing the constant pain.

The Prof’s real worry though is not the nose. Apparently that’s chicken feed compared to the other bit. The bit where they remove the neck glands.

Removing the glands themselves is not the problem. The body can cope without them. The problem is that they are wrapped in a mass of nerves, each as fine as a human hair that are connected to some quite important items such as the tongue, the jaw, the larynx and a few more. Snap one of them and I could lose the power of speech or find great difficulty eating or chewing, and possibly cause other problems elsewhere. Here is The Great Unknown. That is scary.

I am about to pass through a doorway, and I haven’t a clue what is on the other side.